Philippians 4:11-13

Last night, I had dinner with my friend. We were catching up on things & just talking about life. Like, it's crazy how things can change in a matter of months. It was just earlier this year that I was "crying" to her about this & that. Kind of the same stuff I "cry" about in these posts. "I want my art dream...like now". "I feel like I have time for nothing". "Am I gonna be single forever"? "Why do I want this baby so bad"??? I spend a lot of time with myself, so I feel like sometimes things just spill out. I'm a waaay better writer than I am a venter. I talk about these things. I HATE to say that I long for these things. Well, everything except for my art dream. Idk. Saying "I looong" sounds so cheesy to me. I hate having those feelings. It's embarrassing to me. I'm sorry, it just is.

A few months ago I had a good talk with myself. I was like: "you gotta stop with this baby stuff. You gotta stop with this husband stuff. You can't be out here looking like the desperate "old" chick posting about kids all the time. Get a grip, Autumn. Like, you are not this girl." Not verbatim, but in that vein. I felt like I was posting way too much & the whole thing just felt like too much for me. I'm not that girl. I'm just not that girl. Like, yes, I want a hubby & a baby...but the longing was too much. I just wanted to be content with where I was in my life. Things should happen as they are meant. And I always have believed that.

Social media can make things harder. The constant updates to everyone's life can leave you feeling like you have to prove something...especially if you're not where you wanna be. I really had to stop myself from doing this. You see everyone's relationship. The constant pregnancy posts. It can be a lot if you don't understand why it's not happening for you. I had to get to a point that I told myself that I was just gonna be content with my life as is. I truly don't like being in this state of always wanting. I just wanna be happy.

I feel like some weekends are harder than others for me. I really don't understand why. This was a hard one for whatever reason. I'm not even PMSing, so I don't get it. Actually this whole week I've felt a bit unglued. Last night tho, I could feel it in my soul as I was talking to my friend. I'm just not really even in that place to feel comfortable venting about certain things anymore. I just want my mind to become resolute & cohesive. It's not even about wanting to be content. I'm there, I just have these blips at times. But I'll get through it. I always do.

Love,

Autumn 💕✨✨

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