John Mayer - Stop This Train

They told me they didn't want to live anymore. It made me flashback to a time when we were in a park & I was telling them the same thing. The reaction of anger that came out of them towards me let me know that for them to now share my old sentiments was not a good sign. And how do you handle these things in life? When relatives get older & life takes a turn you didn't see coming.

We had one death in the family this week & another family member is just over it. I am not close with most of my family, but I am close to a small few outside of my Grandma. This is not about my Grandma. And even for my "distant" family, I still feel sorrow for their pain. I don't want to lose my relative, but I am concerned about their quality of life. I am afraid that something that I know they never wanted may be happening. It's devastating to me. Losing them would be devastating to me as well. And I could potentially be looking at both. And this is when you learn not to be selfish because I'd rather see someone leave than to see them in a state that I know they never wanted. I honestly can't believe this is happening & there is a part of me that doesn't want to be around it because it's too much. I'm not sure how things will turn out. Everything seems really uncertain. I can't really cry about it. Idk what else to say. I know I'm writing this sad post, but I'm okay. Me, my relative, & my Grandma all shared laughs even through the reality of it all. I laughed from disbelief as well. Like, is this really happening? But it still bothers me because I don't know what will happen. Only time will tell. And this song comes to mind. https://youtu.be/2UiX4dUUjWc

Love,
Autumn 💕✨✨