Repentance Prayers

The first time it happened, it was late at night & I was up watching stuff on HBO that I had no business watching. 😳😳😳 It was winter. There was snow on the ground, but somehow THERE WAS THIS WEIRD THUNDER that came from the sky??? I remember looking out the window half in fear & half in astonishment. That night there was snow, THERE WAS THUNDER, & there was me on my knees asking God to forgive my sins.

I grew up deeply religious. Like literally, I am like my mom with the highlighted bible. Church & bibles were the eternal trending topic in my house. We weren't super religious to the point that it was weird, just enough for me to get called things like "holy water" & "disciple". There was also a lot of talk about the end of the world. I feel like a couple of my family members were definitely obsessed with the rapture (Jesus coming back to earth to take us all away). There were books that my mom had (some from the "obsessed" family members) & we even had this weird movie about Jesus coming back to the earth in the last days. I tried watching that movie as an adult & was like: "what were we even watching?" That film definitely was NOT religious, but it did have some of the signs that are said to happen before Jesus takes us away. So, needless to say, Jesus returning was not something that was far from my mind a lot. I literally used to think about how Jesus could come back if I committed sin & I would be doomed. It definitely helped to keep me out of trouble. I can remember being a little girl & freaking out if the moon seemed red (one of the signs that the end is coming). And things like seasons mixing (thunder in the middle of winter 😂😂😂) also put me on edge.

In addition to not having it together for the rapture, you also did not want to die in your sins. I can remember people talking about how you never wanted to die at the club because it was like you were dying in your sins. I was NEVER allowed to go to clubs & such until I turned 18. And even when my mom took off the reigns, she told me not to bring sin back into her house. I try to stay on the sunny side of the street, so I have not had all of these brushes with death. However, every now & again illness drives me to wonder if the end is near. 😂😂😂

I don't get sick a lot. Maybe once a year. I don't take illness well because it takes me off of my grind (even if my grind is slow). Nevertheless, this one time I got sick in college & I literally thought I was gonna die. 😂😂😂 I remember collapsing in my bed in my dorm & thinking: "this is it...I think I might die tonight". Once again, I found myself praying a repentance prayer. To this day, I will tell you that I really thought I was gonna die that night. I went to the health center & they pulled me from all my classes & work for maybe a week. I was really sick.

Sooo...I had another "brush with death" Thursday night. I was sooo tired from this cold that I currently have. It's like I was feeling less congested than I had all week, but there was some weird thing with my throat. It was like there was chunks in my throat. I came home & ate dinner & my throat was still a mess, but I was like whatever & went to sleep. Then, I wake up at like midnight & literally it felt like my throat was blocked. Like, I couldn't even burp (I tried drinking stuff to help & I could feel my body wanting burp). I started feeling like I was gonna pass out, but I also know that I have anxiety, so I told myself to calm down. I legit didn't know if I should go to the hospital or not. I was like: "what if the oxygen stops going through my body & I die". I also was like: "I don't want a hospital bill for something stupid". I have insurance, but every time I go to the emergency, I still have to pay something (which is why I got a scrip for anti anxiety meds. I was sick of going to the emergency to only be told I was having a panic attack). I just started feeling like: "maybe this is it. I'm gonna die. I won't have to go through all the pressure I've been going through anymore. Like, maybe this really is it. They are gonna say she died because the oxygen stopped going to her brain." I literally laid down & literally asked God to forgive me for anything that I'd done wrong. 🤦🏾‍♀️🤦🏾‍♀️🤦🏾‍♀️ At some point, I finally burped (which put me a little bit at ease), but I still wasn't so sure. Nevertheless, I woke up later on the morning (🎶Good Morning, pressure🎶). My throat had calmed down some. And I seriously just have been laughing at myself for my reoccurring repentance prayers. I just want to go to Heaven, guys. It is now Sunday & I am still sick (I'm getting there tho). I see from social media that this is going on all over the place. The great outbreak. May God bless us all. 😷😷😷🙏🏾🙏🏾🙏🏾✨

Here is the trailer to that movie I was talking about earlier in the post. I think we just had this one for entertainment purposes tho. https://youtu.be/24VwQYNDMQQ

Looove,
Autumn 💕✨✨