Ariana Grande - successful

Sooo...yesterday I was standing at the scanner at work. Scan, scan, scan away. I was listening to Ariana's new album. By the way, Ariana & Pharrell (& everyone else involved) did that. I absolutely love her new album! I can't stop listening to it! There is this song on the album called "successful". I was standing there listening to it & I started to feel a way because it just took me back to the fact that I never made it the way that I wanted to when I was younger. When I say that, I'm not even just talking about my art dream. I pursued other things in college. For a time, I was a marketing major. I used to want to do marketing at some major cosmetics company. I had to get out of being a business major tho. I suck at math & it just didn't fit. I was in the middle of studying for a business law final when I called the advisor's office to switch my major. I remember taking a business writing class & my peers telling me that I did not seem like a business major.

 You know, I didn't know what I was doing when I went to college. I didn't really have much direction. It just felt like the only way to make a better life for myself. Deep down I always wanted to be an artist for a living. But how was I gonna really make that happen from where I was? So, years later, I still have these moments where I feel a way about things. I struggled through college. I went through all of that to pretty much still be living like I'm still in college. Ahhh, it still hurts a little. But it's ok.

Sooo, I'm standing at the scanner literally listening to this song & feeling like: "well I wasn't young & successful. I can't even feel like this song fits me." And then, out of nowhere, the epiphany came. It's a total & complete lie that I keep telling myself that I'm not successful. I went to college. Like, I used to walk around dreaming about getting a degree & I actually did it. I walked across a stage & got a degree. And I was like the runt of college kids too. I was on academic probation when I first started out. It's not that I'm not smart, I just had emotional problems that made me not focus properly. Like, apparently I have test taking anxiety (I never knew that was a thing). When you have that, sometimes they will put you somewhere else to take your tests. But life issues always had me effed up. And I went through some (s)ugar (h)oney (i)ced (t)ea in college. Despite it all, I got my degree. I lived up to so many of my goals. I've worked so hard to be a functional healthy human. So, why do I keep putting myself down in my mind? Because I didn't make the money I wanted? Because I didn't get the status I wanted? Because I don't see my life as Instagram worthy? People work towards things all the time that don't work out how they want. People invest in things that don't work out. This college thing has been a monumental thing to get past. I really just have to let it go. Nothing has stopped my pen. I just need to effing chill. I'm still creating. I mean, sometimes it's hard to see others be successful at things I wanted to do. I just feel like I need to keep believing that God has a plan...even when it's hard to believe. And, also, without college, this new book would not be happening. I also need to remember that. Idk. Just sharing my mental struggles that literally happened at the copy machine during the course of a song (or 2 or maybe 3). Mental gymnastics & all that jazz. But seriously, if you made it to the end of this, see yourself as successful & know that if you're alive (which you have to be if you're reading this) that your story is not over. Life has dry periods. It's okay tho. Keep striving. Also, "successful" is a great song. Especially since it helped me have an epiphany. :)

Looove yooouuu!
Autumn 💕✨✨