Pearly Gates

So... Happy Monday! I hope everyone had a pleasant weekend. Mine was pretty sweet. A nice mixture of sleep, art, & productivity. While I know that we are not yet in the summer season, my soul is in high gear for creativity. I seriously used to hate summer so much. It seemed like summer would bring some sort of madness to my doorstep. However, I have found a new love in the fact that summer now seems to birth a higher level of creativity in me. I think it is the warmth, and being able to be at my different writing spots that makes me so happy. Winter makes this shuffle a bit harder. So, I am ready for that because my personal projects (or projects that are not on the net) are in need of some serious love. I truly believe in this lifelong dream of mine simply because it never dies. Not only does it not die, it seems to matures with me.

So... Saturday, I was artist daydreaming about where I want to see myself in the future. This is nothing new to me. I am a dreamer. However, I also started having these thoughts about how I never want to have the attitude that "I've arrived". People say that all the time. When you really think about it, it's such a flawed way of thinking. We spend the majority of our lives journeying to this place of "arrival". It's like this magical land where you finally get to come alive, be recognized, and fit in with the rest of the world. You go from being a non factor (in the words of Evelyn Lozada) to becoming relevant in the different circles of society. You are now living life as it "should be lived". At 37, part of this arriving seems like your validation to look down on others without anyone being able to pull your card. Some people arrive and in the blink of an eye start to snub others around them. This is because the magic fairy dust that comes with arriving made them forget where they came from. So, you arrive... then what? It's as if the whole journey is discounted. It's as if you (and nothing about you) matters until you hit this place. And I'm not saying this is everyone. I'm just saying that different parts of what I am saying is the mentality of some of the people around us. Then, saying: "I've arrived" feels kind of finalizing. It feels like a place that you have to stay. Because who would ever dream of unarriving (totally just made up a word). And you see people do insane things to stay at this place of arrival. Things that are detrimental to themselves and those around them. But you must go hard or go home, right? And who cares if you hurt the world... because it's lonely at the top, right?

Am I say accomplishing goals is wrong? No. I write a lot of this stuff out of self reflection. Sometimes, it's just me telling off former thought processes that I once had. I used to be that person that was obsessed with being at the top. Part of it was passion (a huge part). Part of it was because that's what I thought I should be doing. Part of it was a defense mechanism. Part of it was trying to follow God. Do I still want to be at the top? Well, yes. I'm a bit of a warrior about life. I don't believe in not striving for the best... even if it takes me a while to get there. However, I want what is the top for MY life experience. I also believe the better term is actually "arriving". Life is a JOURNEY. So, at different times I will arrive at different places. Different phases. Different seasons. Different levels. Sometimes, I may arrive at a valley. Sometimes, I may hit a mountaintop (because there are more than one). Perhaps, I'll arrive at a plateau. To me, when I've really arrived is when I come to the pearly gates. I had to pray and ask God to help me to stop making these "grand" events the light at the end of the tunnel for me. I feel that place (for me) is reserved for God.

I think where I am right now is in a more balanced place. There are still many places that I would like to visit on my journey. Some "places" may be more permanent than others. I just don't ever want to be defined by anything that would make me an ugly person. It's not that success or accomplishment makes you ugly... at all. It's just about your heart condition. I didn't have an impure heart before. It was just harder... and maybe a bit colder. Now I'm like this "flower child" running around. I think in trying to cleanse yourself of stuff like that, you can sometimes go to the end of the spectrum of throwing your whole self away. Certain dreams just don't die. I will always want to be Autumn The Artist. I dream of inspiring all kinds of people with my art. I want to travel all over. And, I'm not gonna lie, being well known for my art wouldn't be the worst thing. I'm an 80's babe. Fame or being well known was actually for artistry when I was a kid. And, I mean, I have so many other dreams. That's really just who I am. BUT I'm just not as consumed as I once was. And wherever I'm going, I'm just passing through for however long the good Lord sees fit. This feels a bit like a mashup... but these are just some thoughts. All I can say in closing is embrace the journey because it makes you better. You life is happening NOW. You matter NOW. You are awesome NOW. The magic is happening NOW. Fight to learn the places inside yourself... and you won't have to fight so hard to maintain a place of relevance to the masses. You're  relevant NOW! You ALWAYS have been. And, every day, you are arriving at a place to keep propelling your life forward. But you should totally daydreaming while all of the now is happening. Happy thoughts only! ;)

Love,
Autumn