Analyzing Autumn: Autumn The Introvert?

So... is the most random events that wake you up to things about yourself. There is no limit to growth in this thing called life. You will never get too old to learn something new... even if it is about yourself. I feel like I have these moments pretty frequently in my life. Some people call them awakenings. Others refer to them as "aha moments". I like to go with the word epiphany. I spend a lot of time with myself so I think about myself (and my life) a lot. I find that in my 30's, I'm more obsessed with being the most beautiful person that I can be on the inside. It's not even just a thing of  being a good person for others (though that is important). It's about feeling good on the inside for myself. I need to be emotionally healthy and whole. I've been broken. It sucks. I want something better for myself... so I have spent years fighting to make this happen. On top of all of that, I have always been a girl who is just very self aware. I appreciate this about myself because it is really hard for someone to sum me up and feed me lies about myself. I'm like: "how you gonna tell me about me"? Hahaha. As I've said before, I take in what people say about me and determine if I need to make a change. I'm not a person who is completely shutdown to criticism. It's just not as easy to bamboozle me with crazy opinions. The truth is, even with being self aware, brushing off malicious criticism has to become a learned behavior.

Anyway... my most recent epiphany is one that I think I kind of knew about myself... but it did not quite register to me the way it did yesterday morning. I've always had this side of myself that is shy, quiet, and a bit of a geek. I grew up in a small town. I grew up in an even smaller family. While I don't consider myself sheltered, we were a religious, church going, tight knit family. My mom and my aunt were pretty to themselves. We mingled but we didn't. I was allowed to play in my yard... but not in the street with the other kids. I grew up in what people would consider the ghetto... so I always say I grew up on the street... but not in it. I was allowed to have friends, but my interactions with them were a lot more supervised than some of my peers. Even then, I did not really fit in with my peers so much. I have always been my own special brand of person. I guess I was just this girl who was obsessed with God, the bible (from a little kid), books, writing, music, film, and... my Barbies (up to a certain point) I was a child who escaped in my imagination a lot. Actually I never really seemed to stop escaping... and I don't know if that is a good thing or a bad thing... but it is an Autumn thing. On some level, you must escape to be creative. But... I am also very much in the real world. I just have my own way of seeing life.

I've always thought that introverts were these people that really didn't talk much at all. You know the kids that stutter (not that there is anything wrong with stuttering) from nervousness. I say I'm a geek... but I always thought being a nerd was something a little bit different. I have always been really friendly (and talkative... moreso as I've gotten older) so how could I ever be an introvert? These days, I'm singing a different tune. The thing is, I am not the people person that I might come across as. I feel like when I was younger and living at home, I was way more reserved. There were things about how I was raised that I feel kind of put me on a different path from some of the people around me. I also wasn't the most accepted by my race because they felt I was "too much of a little white girl". I literally know people have disliked me solely off of my voice alone. I don't acknowledge it much, but I was also picked on and kind of bullied in a way as well. So... the non acceptance of my peers also helped to create walls within me. When I went to college, I became this person who just started trying on new personas. I was still myself, but I was also embracing being more open. People make college out to be this experience in which you should be open to making these lifelong connections. Plus, there is something to the newfound feeling of just being free from living at home. I've come to realize that I never quite parted ways with some of the personas that I tried on when I was in school. So... you know... I'm adjusting as I go along.

When I tell people that I am socially awkward and shy now, they laugh in my face... but I understand why. I feel like I am not being true to myself and I never really realized it fully until this weekend. I think somewhere along the way I got lost in trying to prove that I'm not some of the things that I feel people have thought I was. While I am a very kind, cool, and loving person... I don't think that every aspect of this open persona is me. I feel like sometimes human interactions wear me thin. I think that I've gotten caught up in this trap of trying to be on all of the time for everyone. I just can't be that person anymore. I feel like I am just a person who lives inside herself... A LOT! I kind of feel the need to start guarding myself a little bit more because I am just tired of being weary from this and that. I think for me being socially awkward means that I don't always know what I am supposed to do in a situation. I feel like maybe I put up this persona like I have it all on lock... but really I am freaking out at times. I am a person who needs time to process and compartmentalize life. I am also just on my own path. I don't know, I just feel like right now being true to me is being less open. My desire is to share myself through my art... but even that is how I see fit. I honestly feel really good about this decision. I feel like I tried life another way... and it is not completely my thing. I feel that I've learned to be a much better person through all of this... and I will take that and skip down the road. Honestly, as messed up as it sounds... to be called stuck up might almost be refreshing. And maybe next week I will change my mind... but I don't think so. I'm not totally shutting out the world? Well... no. I couldn't even if I wanted to. I'm just learning how to adjust to continually give out the best version of myself. Be true to yourselves. Honestly, sometimes we makes changes for a world that does not really do the same thing in return. I think that through trying to be true to God and myself, I will find a way to be true to everyone else. I'm not sure if any of this makes sense. It's just what's been on my mind this weekend.

Love you!



Popular Posts