Definition
Lately... I find that things are not effecting me in the way they once did. It's a bit startling when this first starts to happen. I want to talk about this for a second. I truly believe that certain things can become a part of us through certain seasons of life. For example, anxiety or anger can become a part of you due to a crazy situation. If you go through the process of healing & cleaning, these things will start to fall off. It may be a slow process...but it is a process that happens when you continue to seek elevation in your soul. I used to be D E E P L Y depressed. It was really, really bad. I mean, I spent many years of my life not even wanting to live. I was in an immense amount of pain. Nevertheless, by the grace of God, I'm not in that place anymore. I do struggle with depression...I've come to accept that this is a real condition...but it doesn't control my life anymore. I actually have no real desire to die anymore either...but it took YEARS for me to get to this point. Even writing these words makes me want to cry. I have come SO FAR as a person. I fought to live without even really knowing what I was fighting for. It has been a really hard journey...but I wouldn't be me without it. Anyway, to complete the point I started with...is just to say to embrace the healthiness. It's crazy to say...but when you are in dysfunctional cycles...the absence of them may seem weird. It's kind of like a diet. Not eating your junk food may make you feel like you don't know what to do with yourself in the beginning. Health brings a lightness that might be unusual at first. I can remember watching Oprah's Lifeclass & her saying it is okay not to be loyal to the dysfunction. That is something that has always stuck with me. Filling up on the "junk food" of life may be less bland at times...but it's bad for you in the long run. It's never too late to change. Maybe you were brought up on a lot of "junk food" (literally & figuratively) as a child...but as an adult you truly can choose a healthier way. It can be a really hard journey...and you may falter at times. However, if you stay committed...I know you can win.
Anyway...I kind of want to talk about definition a little bit. I feel like for the past decade I've been going through a stripping of sorts. At first...I felt as though God had taken everything away from me. This was a HUGE part of my depression. I truly could not understand why I was alive. I felt so betrayed by God. I mean, I literally felt like everything was GONE. I'm gonna be honest, some things still are so very lost. Nevertheless, I've learned that my existence on this earth is not defined by anything but God. I feel like we are born into this huge world that dictates who we should be. Within these worlds are our own personal worlds with even more demands. Then there is our soul that was ultimately what was given to us. I've come to realize that whether you are born rich or poor...there is still a lot of pressure to become all of these different things. I feel like being a girl who grew up with no money...I always felt like I wanted to live this sophisticated life. I didn't have many positive male role models so I hated men (to an extent) & just wanted to be this independent woman. Every time I felt for a guy...I felt like I was betraying myself. I didn't go around sabotaging relationships & such. It was just a feeling I had. Brokenness & having to be brave made me a tough chick. I used to never tell friends I loved them. I'd just be like: "you know"...that was my "I love you". I was so set on being this big entity because I felt like it would somehow reconcile all of my pain. I mean, I always dreamed of being in the arts...but I just felt like being this rich independent woman (who still secretly fell for guys) was the thing. So...what happens when nothing happens? What happens when you STRUGGLE to get through college & you don't get one single job? What happens when you don't get to move to your dream city & start your dream life? What happens when you fall into a horrible depression & are a shell of yourself? What happens when broken relationships break even worse & eventually become nothing? What happens when you never get the guy no matter how cute, glamorous, sweet, not sweet, stand offish, not stand offish (and whatever else I'm supposed to be) you are? Praying for a husband does not always work like you think, ladies. I've been praying for that since I was in my 20's & no I did not go around sabotaging all these relationships. It just truly did not happen for me. At some point I really did stop hating men (or fake hating them). I'm chalking it up to my weird personality. Idk... What happens when you don't get to be a mom? What happens when it just doesn't happen? What happens when everything feels like shattered glass & you are naked with the brokenness that you never quite succeeded in getting to cover?
Exposed wounds hurt. Growing at what feels like the speed of a turtle hurts. Peeling back layers hurts. Fighting with God HURTS! Not getting to become a dysfunctional woman with dope threads, jobs, houses, & cars hurts. I didn't willingly go on this journey. I was just trying to follow God. I thought being perfect would get me this "blessed" life. Well, this is where I ended up. Skeptics would pick my life apart & that REALLY used to bother me. What I know is that I have truly tried in every aspect of my life...in some ways to a fault. I've learned that following God will bring you to where you need to be. The truth is this: The woman I was seeking to become. The defense mechanisms I wanted to keep...well...THEY ARE NOT ME AT ALL! I'm a huge geek. I'm super kind. I'd do almost anything for the people I love...& even some I don't like so much. I'm very generous & loving. Now, I am natural independent & tough. It's just I am a bit healthier with it all now. I do really want to be in the arts & I am not opposed to money. I'd still like to become wealthy for something I've done. I'm just being honest. Nevertheless, since I like the little things in life, I don't know where all of the fortune would go to. I do want to travel...so I figure my money could take me around the world. I guess my point is that by not being able to be defined by material possessions, statuses, & I guess even relationships...I've become this girl. I also have to say that I had to stop being defined by what the brokenness in my soul left behind. I had to stop letting sadness win. I had to stop letting anxiety win. I had to quit letting death win. I had to stop letting anger & bitterness win. I had to stop letting pity win. I had to stop letting this idea of perfection win. I had allow myself to be human...because for so long I never really did. I always knew who I was...even in the depressions...in the anger...in the panic...I knew that wasn't the true essence of me. I never could accept being a girl with a broken wing. No. Not me. I had to stop being what big life & & my life circles wanted me to be as well.
So...when I see myself not being effected by things so much anymore...I know it is because I am living the true definition of me. I'm not trying to be something I'm not. I'm not trying to hide my pain behind things that won't heal it. I'm not trying to be stronger than I am. I'm just trying to be me. I'm trying to accept life for what it is & not what I want to to be. The "stripping" was good because through it I found the courage to be vulnerable enough to be me. I feel like the more I live out of the true definition of myself...the stronger & more healed I become. Be encouraged if you are on what feels like a slow elevating journey. You are becoming who you need to be...minute by minute...day by day.
Love,
Autumn
Anyway...I kind of want to talk about definition a little bit. I feel like for the past decade I've been going through a stripping of sorts. At first...I felt as though God had taken everything away from me. This was a HUGE part of my depression. I truly could not understand why I was alive. I felt so betrayed by God. I mean, I literally felt like everything was GONE. I'm gonna be honest, some things still are so very lost. Nevertheless, I've learned that my existence on this earth is not defined by anything but God. I feel like we are born into this huge world that dictates who we should be. Within these worlds are our own personal worlds with even more demands. Then there is our soul that was ultimately what was given to us. I've come to realize that whether you are born rich or poor...there is still a lot of pressure to become all of these different things. I feel like being a girl who grew up with no money...I always felt like I wanted to live this sophisticated life. I didn't have many positive male role models so I hated men (to an extent) & just wanted to be this independent woman. Every time I felt for a guy...I felt like I was betraying myself. I didn't go around sabotaging relationships & such. It was just a feeling I had. Brokenness & having to be brave made me a tough chick. I used to never tell friends I loved them. I'd just be like: "you know"...that was my "I love you". I was so set on being this big entity because I felt like it would somehow reconcile all of my pain. I mean, I always dreamed of being in the arts...but I just felt like being this rich independent woman (who still secretly fell for guys) was the thing. So...what happens when nothing happens? What happens when you STRUGGLE to get through college & you don't get one single job? What happens when you don't get to move to your dream city & start your dream life? What happens when you fall into a horrible depression & are a shell of yourself? What happens when broken relationships break even worse & eventually become nothing? What happens when you never get the guy no matter how cute, glamorous, sweet, not sweet, stand offish, not stand offish (and whatever else I'm supposed to be) you are? Praying for a husband does not always work like you think, ladies. I've been praying for that since I was in my 20's & no I did not go around sabotaging all these relationships. It just truly did not happen for me. At some point I really did stop hating men (or fake hating them). I'm chalking it up to my weird personality. Idk... What happens when you don't get to be a mom? What happens when it just doesn't happen? What happens when everything feels like shattered glass & you are naked with the brokenness that you never quite succeeded in getting to cover?
Exposed wounds hurt. Growing at what feels like the speed of a turtle hurts. Peeling back layers hurts. Fighting with God HURTS! Not getting to become a dysfunctional woman with dope threads, jobs, houses, & cars hurts. I didn't willingly go on this journey. I was just trying to follow God. I thought being perfect would get me this "blessed" life. Well, this is where I ended up. Skeptics would pick my life apart & that REALLY used to bother me. What I know is that I have truly tried in every aspect of my life...in some ways to a fault. I've learned that following God will bring you to where you need to be. The truth is this: The woman I was seeking to become. The defense mechanisms I wanted to keep...well...THEY ARE NOT ME AT ALL! I'm a huge geek. I'm super kind. I'd do almost anything for the people I love...& even some I don't like so much. I'm very generous & loving. Now, I am natural independent & tough. It's just I am a bit healthier with it all now. I do really want to be in the arts & I am not opposed to money. I'd still like to become wealthy for something I've done. I'm just being honest. Nevertheless, since I like the little things in life, I don't know where all of the fortune would go to. I do want to travel...so I figure my money could take me around the world. I guess my point is that by not being able to be defined by material possessions, statuses, & I guess even relationships...I've become this girl. I also have to say that I had to stop being defined by what the brokenness in my soul left behind. I had to stop letting sadness win. I had to stop letting anxiety win. I had to quit letting death win. I had to stop letting anger & bitterness win. I had to stop letting pity win. I had to stop letting this idea of perfection win. I had allow myself to be human...because for so long I never really did. I always knew who I was...even in the depressions...in the anger...in the panic...I knew that wasn't the true essence of me. I never could accept being a girl with a broken wing. No. Not me. I had to stop being what big life & & my life circles wanted me to be as well.
So...when I see myself not being effected by things so much anymore...I know it is because I am living the true definition of me. I'm not trying to be something I'm not. I'm not trying to hide my pain behind things that won't heal it. I'm not trying to be stronger than I am. I'm just trying to be me. I'm trying to accept life for what it is & not what I want to to be. The "stripping" was good because through it I found the courage to be vulnerable enough to be me. I feel like the more I live out of the true definition of myself...the stronger & more healed I become. Be encouraged if you are on what feels like a slow elevating journey. You are becoming who you need to be...minute by minute...day by day.
Love,
Autumn
This really spoke to me.
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