tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-90930113219738539832024-03-05T19:11:29.444-05:00The View From The Balcony In My HeadBlogs by Autumn M. RitchieMs. Geek Goddesshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07455681719651381159noreply@blogger.comBlogger33125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9093011321973853983.post-61468944691149859752018-09-25T04:45:00.000-04:002018-09-25T04:45:02.057-04:00Unleashed When I read my bible, I see plenty of stories of people who went through extenuating circumstances. Life was not the pleasure cruise that we try to make it out to be now. Having moments & going through times of hardship is a NATURAL part of life. Honestly, one of the reasons that I am growing really sick of social media is because I feel that it's become nothing more than everyone trying to show a glow up. Don't get me wrong, I'm truly happy for the success of others. I guess I also used to live in a time that felt more real. A time where I would sit in church with those that had & those that didn't. A time where there were praise reports, but there were also prayer requests. Life can feel like a journey of euphoria & tragedy all the same. And yet, we just want to show the good parts. We stand on the pillars of our successes, but do we even know how to really stand on stability?<br />
It's no secret that I battle depression. I have my highs & I have my lows. Sometimes, I feel like a freak on a leash for being honest about not even wanting to be on this earth anymore. Because why would I ever want to leave the "pleasure cruise" that is life? I guess all I'm saying is that it's okay to have the feelings that I have. It doesn't make me a freak. It just makes me real. I also love life (when it genuinely doesn't suck & sometimes even when it does). It's called the true balance of a human soul. Maybe the problem isn't what I'm feeling, or even my being vocal about it. Maybe the problem is the silence of so many others. I love the glitz, I love the glamour. I'm also just very real about the fact life can be hard. Anyway, I'm looking into going to therapy for the fact that I have a real issue with being anything but strong. I constantly feel guilty for having emotions. And life just feels weird to me right now. I do wanna say that I resent how people make you feel when you go through tougher times. I just find that many of these very people have their own massive issues that they don't even see. I'm hoping to find a Christian therapist because I did go to someone when I was in college & I don't think she understood my views. I need someone who understands at least that. So, we shall see. I just need to see how a few things go, but that's my plan for right now. The only other thing about therapy is that sometimes you feel like you need them more than whatever your session time is. And then you can only talk for an hour. But I do want to go just to have someone reassuring me that I'm not a freak on a leash for having emotions. Idk. Just some thoughts. I think I'll end here.<br />
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Love,<br />
Autumn πβ¨β¨Ms. Geek Goddesshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07455681719651381159noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9093011321973853983.post-28953349338260435542018-09-10T06:09:00.001-04:002018-09-10T06:09:24.163-04:00Psalm 46:10 Sooo, lately I feel like I've been freaking out a lot about my life. πππ I can be a natural spaz, but this is too much. While, I have a "crazy" side, I also have a side that tries to be grounded. I don't feel that I've been too grounded lately. And, I mean, I'm not gonna beat myself up because I feel like a lot of changes have been happening behind the scenes of my life. Back in the day before there was a such thing as social media, I used to shut my phone off & just go off the grid for weeks until I gather myself when the world felt like it was too much. Sometimes, I feel like I do better shutting everyone out. Nevertheless, that is probably not the healthiest thing to do & it's not very realistic for where my life is now. Back then, I was in school & I could kind of get away with it. I may have even done it for a while after I graduated, but the point is it doesn't work now. Plus, people expressed to me that they hated when I did that.<br />
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I guess nowadays I expect a certain level of consistency from myself. Consistent sanity would be nice. πππ I want to be put together at all times...even tho I know that's impossible. The war inside of myself is that these alarm bells go off in me that I want/need this or that. But then there is the side of me that just believes in the NATURAL progression of things.<br />
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I just really (like really) need to get my mind together & centered. Nothing wrong with having desires. Nothing wrong with having dreams. But the freaking out has to go. I can't with myself. I gotta do better. I wanna do better. And, most of all, I want things to go how God wants...no matter how much I "kick & scream".<br />
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Love,<br />
Autumn ππβ¨Ms. Geek Goddesshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07455681719651381159noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9093011321973853983.post-22813639125230050462018-09-02T09:54:00.001-04:002018-09-02T09:54:52.679-04:009.2.18I feel like in 2018 we have too many voices in our ears. We have too many images before our eyes. Life can be hard & you get stuck in spots where you are just so desperate to be free. I also feel like life is really good at making you think that you need to be in this or that situation. Even before social media, I was not always so fond of the voices. People will tell you to do this or that, but you are the one that is ultimately in control of how you chose to live your life.<br />
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I was talking with my friend yesterday & we were discussing whether we have been bamboozled by Christianity. This is one of the things that seems to be going around at times on social media. My answer is that I don't feel that way because I have seen for myself that God is real. Even tho I grew up in church, that is not why I follow God. To be honest, I really don't care for a lot of church people & my church attendance goes in spurts. I honestly haven't even been to church in months, but I talk to God just about every day. I read my Bible, but to be completely honest...I don't understand why some of the things that are in the Bible are there. However, the Bible provides me with healing & a better understanding of life. I do believe in it, there are just things I don't understand. Because if you look at all of these images you will think that life should never be difficult. You will think that you have all of this control. I'm not one of these people that think that life should always be hard if you are in Christ, but I also don't believe that it is always easy.<br />
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For the past year, almost every area of my life has felt uncomfortable. I have felt very tested & it has driven me to even become more recluse than normal (which kind of reminded me that I actually am a natural introvert). It can be really difficult to bear at times. Nevertheless, I would just rather be in a place where I feel like I am doing the right thing for my life. Sometimes, living your best life is not this laundry list of wonderful things. Sometimes, it is having peace that you are trying to trust in God beyond the bling, white sandy beaches, pretty clothes, having a spouse & a family, fancy foods, or anything else. Those things are nice, but I have always been a girl who wanted to try to be in the will of God. Sometimes, it's hard to keep the faith because it just feels like you go from one heartache to another. But at the end of the day, I honestly would rather just try to keep on keeping the faith...even if it does waver at times.<br />
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I have always kind of been a person that knows what I wanted out of life. I have tried different paths to get there. It's hard to feel like you are in a spot that is difficult, but because of my self awareness, I have to know that I can't listen to all of these "voices". God is the same yesterday, today, & tomorrow. I have to believe that he didn't put me in this life for my life just to be difficult all the time. Honestly, up until last year it was not as difficult as now. I just feel like at times like this you have to be really strong & stick to what you know. And I honestly am not the one to over spiritualize stuff. I just think that you have to try to listen to God & what brings you peace above all else.<br />
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Love,<br />
Autumn π€πβ¨<br />
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Ms. Geek Goddesshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07455681719651381159noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9093011321973853983.post-54422666984588084272018-08-31T06:36:00.000-04:002018-08-31T06:36:57.381-04:00Accept Sometimes, things happen out of nowhere & it uproots so many emotions. You can't expect yourself to process it all right away. Life always makes you think you have to have a plan & a backup plan, but sometimes you just don't. I'm trying to get out of the continuous mode of having it all figured out. Sometimes, you fight for what you feel is right & no one really cares. No one told me when I was little that hard work could potentially get you nowhere. I was raised with high standards, so I put them on myself & everything else. In a world that's unfair, I still expect fairness. πππ But life's not fair in any way, shape, or form. It's so easy to let things harden your heart. In frivolous moments it happens to me. I just pray against all of the negativity because that's not who I am. I just can't be that person.<br />
Recent happenings have left me devastated on quite a few levels. I'm so depressed & all I wanna do is come home & sleep. Things are happening so fast that my emotions on so many things have not had time to properly land & settle. After trying to find the right words to pray last night, I just prayed to accept what is happening to me. Often times we fight & we fight. After a while, you just have to let it be what it is. I told myself last night that maybe all of this is supposed to happen to me...because I have tried everything I know to do. It's devastating to me to try so hard & feel like it doesn't matter. Nevertheless, I can't keep being distraught. I just have to accept it. I'm hoping to feel more positive soon. :)<br />
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Love,<br />
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Autumn πβ¨β¨Ms. Geek Goddesshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07455681719651381159noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9093011321973853983.post-51960739578207755062018-08-26T17:13:00.001-04:002018-08-26T19:14:53.936-04:00Repentance Prayers<br />
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The first time it happened, it was late at night & I was up watching stuff on HBO that I had no business watching. π³π³π³ It was winter. There was snow on the ground, but somehow THERE WAS THIS WEIRD THUNDER that came from the sky??? I remember looking out the window half in fear & half in astonishment. That night there was snow, THERE WAS THUNDER, & there was me on my knees asking God to forgive my sins.<br />
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I grew up deeply religious. Like literally, I am like my mom with the highlighted bible. Church & bibles were the eternal trending topic in my house. We weren't super religious to the point that it was weird, just enough for me to get called things like "holy water" & "disciple". There was also a lot of talk about the end of the world. I feel like a couple of my family members were definitely obsessed with the rapture (Jesus coming back to earth to take us all away). There were books that my mom had (some from the "obsessed" family members) & we even had this weird movie about Jesus coming back to the earth in the last days. I tried watching that movie as an adult & was like: "what were we even watching?" That film definitely was NOT religious, but it did have some of the signs that are said to happen before Jesus takes us away. So, needless to say, Jesus returning was not something that was far from my mind a lot. I literally used to think about how Jesus could come back if I committed sin & I would be doomed. It definitely helped to keep me out of trouble. I can remember being a little girl & freaking out if the moon seemed red (one of the signs that the end is coming). And things like seasons mixing (thunder in the middle of winter πππ) also put me on edge.<br />
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In addition to not having it together for the rapture, you also did not want to die in your sins. I can remember people talking about how you never wanted to die at the club because it was like you were dying in your sins. I was NEVER allowed to go to clubs & such until I turned 18. And even when my mom took off the reigns, she told me not to bring sin back into her house. I try to stay on the sunny side of the street, so I have not had all of these brushes with death. However, every now & again illness drives me to wonder if the end is near. πππ<br />
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I don't get sick a lot. Maybe once a year. I don't take illness well because it takes me off of my grind (even if my grind is slow). Nevertheless, this one time I got sick in college & I literally thought I was gonna die. πππ I remember collapsing in my bed in my dorm & thinking: "this is it...I think I might die tonight". Once again, I found myself praying a repentance prayer. To this day, I will tell you that I really thought I was gonna die that night. I went to the health center & they pulled me from all my classes & work for maybe a week. I was really sick.<br />
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Sooo...I had another "brush with death" Thursday night. I was sooo tired from this cold that I currently have. It's like I was feeling less congested than I had all week, but there was some weird thing with my throat. It was like there was chunks in my throat. I came home & ate dinner & my throat was still a mess, but I was like whatever & went to sleep. Then, I wake up at like midnight & literally it felt like my throat was blocked. Like, I couldn't even burp (I tried drinking stuff to help & I could feel my body wanting burp). I started feeling like I was gonna pass out, but I also know that I have anxiety, so I told myself to calm down. I legit didn't know if I should go to the hospital or not. I was like: "what if the oxygen stops going through my body & I die". I also was like: "I don't want a hospital bill for something stupid". I have insurance, but every time I go to the emergency, I still have to pay something (which is why I got a scrip for anti anxiety meds. I was sick of going to the emergency to only be told I was having a panic attack). I just started feeling like: "maybe this is it. I'm gonna die. I won't have to go through all the pressure I've been going through anymore. Like, maybe this really is it. They are gonna say she died because the oxygen stopped going to her brain." I literally laid down & literally asked God to forgive me for anything that I'd done wrong. π€¦πΎββοΈπ€¦πΎββοΈπ€¦πΎββοΈ At some point, I finally burped (which put me a little bit at ease), but I still wasn't so sure. Nevertheless, I woke up later on the morning (πΆGood Morning, pressureπΆ). My throat had calmed down some. And I seriously just have been laughing at myself for my reoccurring repentance prayers. I just want to go to Heaven, guys. It is now Sunday & I am still sick (I'm getting there tho). I see from social media that this is going on all over the place. The great outbreak. May God bless us all. π·π·π·ππΎππΎππΎβ¨<br />
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Here is the trailer to that movie I was talking about earlier in the post. I think we just had this one for entertainment purposes tho. <a href="https://youtu.be/24VwQYNDMQQ">https://youtu.be/24VwQYNDMQQ</a><br />
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Looove,<br />
Autumn πβ¨β¨<br />
<br />Ms. Geek Goddesshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07455681719651381159noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9093011321973853983.post-24472411005774557022018-08-19T19:32:00.002-04:002018-08-19T19:32:43.430-04:00Philippians 4:11-13Last night, I had dinner with my friend. We were catching up on things & just talking about life. Like, it's crazy how things can change in a matter of months. It was just earlier this year that I was "crying" to her about this & that. Kind of the same stuff I "cry" about in these posts. "I want my art dream...like now". "I feel like I have time for nothing". "Am I gonna be single forever"? "Why do I want this baby so bad"??? I spend a lot of time with myself, so I feel like sometimes things just spill out. I'm a waaay better writer than I am a venter. I talk about these things. I HATE to say that I long for these things. Well, everything except for my art dream. Idk. Saying "I looong" sounds so cheesy to me. I hate having those feelings. It's embarrassing to me. I'm sorry, it just is.<br />
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A few months ago I had a good talk with myself. I was like: "you gotta stop with this baby stuff. You gotta stop with this husband stuff. You can't be out here looking like the desperate "old" chick posting about kids all the time. Get a grip, Autumn. Like, you are not this girl." Not verbatim, but in that vein. I felt like I was posting way too much & the whole thing just felt like too much for me. I'm not that girl. I'm just not that girl. Like, yes, I want a hubby & a baby...but the longing was too much. I just wanted to be content with where I was in my life. Things should happen as they are meant. And I always have believed that.<br />
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Social media can make things harder. The constant updates to everyone's life can leave you feeling like you have to prove something...especially if you're not where you wanna be. I really had to stop myself from doing this. You see everyone's relationship. The constant pregnancy posts. It can be a lot if you don't understand why it's not happening for you. I had to get to a point that I told myself that I was just gonna be content with my life as is. I truly don't like being in this state of always wanting. I just wanna be happy.<br />
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I feel like some weekends are harder than others for me. I really don't understand why. This was a hard one for whatever reason. I'm not even PMSing, so I don't get it. Actually this whole week I've felt a bit unglued. Last night tho, I could feel it in my soul as I was talking to my friend. I'm just not really even in that place to feel comfortable venting about certain things anymore. I just want my mind to become resolute & cohesive. It's not even about wanting to be content. I'm there, I just have these blips at times. But I'll get through it. I always do.<br />
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Love,<br />
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Autumn πβ¨β¨Ms. Geek Goddesshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07455681719651381159noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9093011321973853983.post-54402928765100593622018-08-18T14:02:00.000-04:002018-08-18T14:22:18.094-04:008.18.18 - Sweet Sooo...last year I started watching the Black Love doc on the OWN network. I just wanna put it out there that I really love Oprah because having her channel is literally making my cable bill higher these days. If it were not for her channel being in a specific tier, my bill could be lower. But I can't live without OWN. In any event, I was watching Viola Davis & her husband talking about their marriage. And something Viola said stuck out to me. She said that marriage made her life better. I remember wanting to write about this back then because it was so refreshing to hear her say that.<br />
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I feel like the chorus of people who sing sad love songs can be so much louder than that of happy love at times. I remember going through my phone a couple years ago & deleting so many sad, toxic love songs. Some songs are classics to me tho, so I kept those. The point was just that I was sick of hearing about broken love. I feel like marriage is this big thing that is imposed upon us. Everyone does it for their own reasons. Tho I have always wanted to marry for love, I didn't always have the brightest outlook.<br />
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I took on baggage from different things that I saw growing up. I didn't even really see the beauty of love until I was in my mid 20s. I still was attracted to guys, but I kind of hated myself for it. I was also always a bit shy. Idk. I'm still weird about men. At this point in my life I feel like I'm gonna be like that scene in Wonder Woman when she was like: "you're a man?" It's been so long since I even hung out with a guy. It's not that easy, guys. It's just not that easy. But anyway, this isn't the direction I was trying to go in. I took some baggage & then you have the chorus that I was talking about earlier. I feel like because so many people feel jaded, there is this negative connotation around truly wanting a relationship, or a marriage. I'm pretty complete. I love my own company. My self esteem is still pretty healthy. I'm not seeking a man for money. There's no chip that is off in me (I mean, we all have our own issues, but I'm not trying to fill a void). I just want someone to squeeze. I just want someone to share my life & myself with. And I KNOOOWWW that marriage is work. I get all of the lessons, speeches, books, & memes. I get it, you can't look for anything to make your life better if you haven't done the work. It's just that I felt like this dumb girl who still believed in love. Hearing Viola say that made me happy & has stuck with me. For me, I don't see the point in being with someone I don't love. I'd rather just be alone forever. And love makes you happy, right? Idk. Anyway, I was listening to Ariana's song "sweetener" when all of these thoughts came back. Isn't your person supposed to sweeten your life? Shooot...I hope that I sweeten whoever's life I enter. Idk. Just some past & present thoughts.<br />
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Love,<br />
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Autumn πβ¨β¨Ms. Geek Goddesshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07455681719651381159noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9093011321973853983.post-61299248788366777272018-08-18T11:15:00.000-04:002018-08-18T11:15:32.137-04:00Ariana Grande - successful Sooo...yesterday I was standing at the scanner at work. Scan, scan, scan away. I was listening to Ariana's new album. By the way, Ariana & Pharrell (& everyone else involved) did that. I absolutely love her new album! I can't stop listening to it! There is this song on the album called "successful". I was standing there listening to it & I started to feel a way because it just took me back to the fact that I never made it the way that I wanted to when I was younger. When I say that, I'm not even just talking about my art dream. I pursued other things in college. For a time, I was a marketing major. I used to want to do marketing at some major cosmetics company. I had to get out of being a business major tho. I suck at math & it just didn't fit. I was in the middle of studying for a business law final when I called the advisor's office to switch my major. I remember taking a business writing class & my peers telling me that I did not seem like a business major.<br />
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You know, I didn't know what I was doing when I went to college. I didn't really have much direction. It just felt like the only way to make a better life for myself. Deep down I always wanted to be an artist for a living. But how was I gonna really make that happen from where I was? So, years later, I still have these moments where I feel a way about things. I struggled through college. I went through all of that to pretty much still be living like I'm still in college. Ahhh, it still hurts a little. But it's ok.<br />
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Sooo, I'm standing at the scanner literally listening to this song & feeling like: "well I wasn't young & successful. I can't even feel like this song fits me." And then, out of nowhere, the epiphany came. It's a total & complete lie that I keep telling myself that I'm not successful. I went to college. Like, I used to walk around dreaming about getting a degree & I actually did it. I walked across a stage & got a degree. And I was like the runt of college kids too. I was on academic probation when I first started out. It's not that I'm not smart, I just had emotional problems that made me not focus properly. Like, apparently I have test taking anxiety (I never knew that was a thing). When you have that, sometimes they will put you somewhere else to take your tests. But life issues always had me effed up. And I went through some (s)ugar (h)oney (i)ced (t)ea in college. Despite it all, I got my degree. I lived up to so many of my goals. I've worked so hard to be a functional healthy human. So, why do I keep putting myself down in my mind? Because I didn't make the money I wanted? Because I didn't get the status I wanted? Because I don't see my life as Instagram worthy? People work towards things all the time that don't work out how they want. People invest in things that don't work out. This college thing has been a monumental thing to get past. I really just have to let it go. Nothing has stopped my pen. I just need to effing chill. I'm still creating. I mean, sometimes it's hard to see others be successful at things I wanted to do. I just feel like I need to keep believing that God has a plan...even when it's hard to believe. And, also, without college, this new book would not be happening. I also need to remember that. Idk. Just sharing my mental struggles that literally happened at the copy machine during the course of a song (or 2 or maybe 3). Mental gymnastics & all that jazz. But seriously, if you made it to the end of this, see yourself as successful & know that if you're alive (which you have to be if you're reading this) that your story is not over. Life has dry periods. It's okay tho. Keep striving. Also, "successful" is a great song. Especially since it helped me have an epiphany. :)<br />
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Looove yooouuu!<br />
Autumn πβ¨β¨Ms. Geek Goddesshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07455681719651381159noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9093011321973853983.post-27225342463297714622018-08-15T20:58:00.002-04:002018-08-15T20:58:43.648-04:008.15.18 - You Can't Trust The Mornings Sooo...today I was SUPER exhausted. Like out of my mind tired. I got a mini migraine in the middle of the day...but it went away. The past 2 days I have apparently not gotten enough sleep. Monday I spent all day after work in between 2 libraries. I actually go to 3 libraries in my vicinity, but the 1 was too far for me Monday. The plan was to only go to 1 library, but I wasn't satisfied with the non fiction section where I was at. And I have been trying to get my hands on the book "All The Missing Girls" by Megan Miranda for a minute now. They didn't have that where I was at either. However, my goal was to just run in & out. It was all good in the hood at the second library until I walked past this one table with a book that I had been eyeing at the new book section at Target. To add to that, it was a table full of thrillers (which I love), so I had to stop. As I'm reading through book summaries, I heard this tiny voice ask me if I wanted any recommendations. Next thing I know, I'm standing there having an hour long convo with this really cool girl about books. It was like when geeks unite. We were into the same kind of books, so we were sharing our thoughts on things. She works there so she signed me up for some books that she suggested I read. I told her about some books as well. She likes thrillers and twisted (remixed) fairytales like me. What are the odds? She runs a book group, so I decided to join because I was telling her that I needed a book club to join. It was so refreshing talking to someone who loves the same books me. I don't get to have those kinds of convos all of the time. It's usually just me telling my friends about something that I read. So, I figure that joining a book group would do me good. I can geek out once a month. :) I never like to tell people that I was an English major/Writing minor because I feel like my grammar sucks. :/ My mind was somewhere else in high school & English in college is mostly reading & writing a bunch of papers. I think I did try to sign up for a grammar class in college tho. Nevertheless, that AND the screenwriting class that I wanted to take were never available. Anyway, I kind of miss discussing books with a group. So, hopefully this group is fun. Needless to say, Monday went a little long because I had a few other errands to do. Yesterday, was a bit more chill. Nevertheless, I did have some customer service drama happen that pissed me off & stressed me out. Everything is fine, but I just wish people gave consistent information about stuff. The whole experience drained me, so I came home & passed out. And today I was a zombie (insert MJ's "Thriller").<br />
My thought (or positive note) for today is just to say not to trust the mornings. I say this because there are times when I wake up & I can feel like a way. The day can feel like it will be kind of overcast (like in my soul). Then, somewhere along the way...the sun comes out (& my soul is happy). There are also days where everything seems happy & I'm naturally walking on sunshine. Out nowhere a downpour comes & it's like: "why"? I can remember this one day specifically putting on my fave Love & Sunshine scent from B&BW. It was to set the tone for the day. I was having a great morning. Unfortunately, a storm came & washed all my little sunshine away. The thing about downpours, storms, & moody mornings is that they don't have to last. I pray to have this culture of happiness around me & it really does work. I honestly can't stay down for long. Don't let a bad moment(s) (morning, noon, or night) last longer than it should. It's not to say that if you have a bad day(s) or week that you have failed. It's just about building up to a point where things happen around you, but can't truly get enough root to dwell in you...unless it's something positive. :) And the reason I used the mornings is because sometimes that is where we set the tone for our day. Idk. Just some thoughts. I have more, but this already went longer than I wanted. Until next time! :)<br />
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Love,<br />
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Autumn πβ¨β¨<br />
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Ms. Geek Goddesshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07455681719651381159noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9093011321973853983.post-13794000042008986342018-08-12T20:56:00.002-04:002018-08-12T20:56:54.786-04:00Struggle <br />
Sooo, today the thought about struggling came into my mind. This is not the financial struggle, but rather the struggle to keep it all together. This year has been an interesting year in terms of lessons & growth. I wish I could've be one of those people that told you everything that is going on behind the scenes of my social media platforms, but I've just never been that person. Just know that a lot that has nothing to do with anything that anyone on here can really see (unless you know me in person) goes on. All of the lessons have changed me. I actually don't feel like the same person that I even started out this year. And while this may sound sad, it's actually a good thing. When my birthday came this year, I said this was the year of "I don't give a fudge". This may sound harsh, but what I really mean is I'm just learning to go with the true flow of life. And I just can't be so worried about a lot of things anymore.<br />
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Anyway, I wanted to keep this a bit short. So...struggle. A lot of times I feel like I struggle. I struggle to be the perfect 8-5er. I struggle to be perfectly beautiful. I struggle to be the perfect "starving artist". I struggle to be a gym Goddess. I struggle to with keeping up with time spent with God. And for so long I have just focused on the fact that I am struggling. And I feel shame because things can be such a struggle at times. Nevertheless, I have come to realize that struggling means I haven't stopped. Life can throw a lot at you. Some people just stop. I may go slower at times. And honestly, I may even just be thinking about moving forward while I'm actually not. But at least I'm still moving (even if it is slow), or my mind has not shut everything down. Idk. Ever since my birthday I have been trying to flip my thoughts. It's so easy to beat yourself up & feel like you're not doing enough. Instead of beating yourself up for falling off the wagon a bit, just celebrate the fact that you haven't abandoned the wagon. And know that you will find your groove again & maybe you will even be a little bit wiser in the process of it all.<br />
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Love,<br />
Autumn πβ¨β¨Ms. Geek Goddesshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07455681719651381159noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9093011321973853983.post-14935933047369707962018-08-12T13:33:00.002-04:002018-08-12T13:33:52.620-04:00John Mayer - Stop This TrainThey told me they didn't want to live anymore. It made me flashback to a time when we were in a park & I was telling them the same thing. The reaction of anger that came out of them towards me let me know that for them to now share my old sentiments was not a good sign. And how do you handle these things in life? When relatives get older & life takes a turn you didn't see coming.<br />
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We had one death in the family this week & another family member is just over it. I am not close with most of my family, but I am close to a small few outside of my Grandma. This is not about my Grandma. And even for my "distant" family, I still feel sorrow for their pain. I don't want to lose my relative, but I am concerned about their quality of life. I am afraid that something that I know they never wanted may be happening. It's devastating to me. Losing them would be devastating to me as well. And I could potentially be looking at both. And this is when you learn not to be selfish because I'd rather see someone leave than to see them in a state that I know they never wanted. I honestly can't believe this is happening & there is a part of me that doesn't want to be around it because it's too much. I'm not sure how things will turn out. Everything seems really uncertain. I can't really cry about it. Idk what else to say. I know I'm writing this sad post, but I'm okay. Me, my relative, & my Grandma all shared laughs even through the reality of it all. I laughed from disbelief as well. Like, is this really happening? But it still bothers me because I don't know what will happen. Only time will tell. And this song comes to mind. https://youtu.be/2UiX4dUUjWc<br />
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Love,<br />
Autumn πβ¨β¨Ms. Geek Goddesshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07455681719651381159noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9093011321973853983.post-68136316785532846782018-08-12T12:35:00.000-04:002018-08-12T12:35:18.241-04:008.12.18Sooo...Thursday all I wanted was for the weekend to come. My mind was tired & I just wanted to rest. I don't like to be in unhappy states anymore. I don't like how it makes me feel. When I feel bogged down or unhappy, I just want to go away & recharge. Often times on Fridays, I have nothing left to give. I walk slow, I talk slow, I think slow. It's just hard for me to function fully a lot on Fridays. This weekend, I just wanted to be free. There were also just some existing things & new updates that I feel helped to lead me into this emotional fatigue. I don't like to be too open about my life outside of social media, but prayers for my family would be much appreciated. Thank you. :) I try to be so brave & strong, but I do feel that things can still take a toll on you even if they don't break you all the way down. Outside of that, it's just dealing with the regular things that make me tired.<br />
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I was seriously so happy to go to the video store, rent my stuff, & go home. I feel like the weekend always brings on this new opportunity to get more stuff done that is hard to do during the week. Nevertheless, Saturday I woke up early & then went back to sleep. And not to be TMI, but you know that women have that special time that leaves them more fatigued than normal. So, even tho I have stuff that I want to get done, I am also trying to respect the fact that I am just tired & need to let myself rest. However, I woke up this morning just feeling depressed. Thoughts of not being able to immediately change certain situations haunt me. There is still the laundry list looming over my head. I did make a little plan yesterday to try & get stuff done, but I slept so late this morning. I don't know know why the morning can be a time where all of the cares of life hit you. But I just can't be blue. I just cannot. And at some point, I decided to breathe & just live my Sunday.<br />
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Love,<br />
Autumn πβ¨β¨Ms. Geek Goddesshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07455681719651381159noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9093011321973853983.post-49350163242146847962017-12-23T15:58:00.003-05:002017-12-23T16:20:45.583-05:00Year End Review πππSooo...lately I've been thinking about what I want to take into 2018. I feel like no matter how much some of us resolve not to make resolutions, there is still a certain magic & freshness that comes with a new year. All I really want to do is be better than last year. I think that it is important to take inventory of what worked & what was an epic fail. I'm always trying out new routines to go with wherever I am in life. This year, I realized that a writing spot is necessary for me. It's beneficial to go somewhere else to focus solely on the project at hand. Being at home can work too. I just feel like I can accomplish more at my writing spots. There are less distractions...& I can't fall asleep. πππ I'm sorry, but if I try to write at home after work...the sandman will most likely come. Plus, it's a nice way to get out of my place for a bit. I think this is one of the biggest things that I want to take into the new year. I was at a point where I was literally working 7 days a week between my day job & working on my passions. It was a lot...but I was happy. I really want to get back to that level of grinding.<br />
I feel like this year I also realized how to "fight" my battles smarter. Everything is not for you to fight even if you feel attacked. There are ways to handle situations without depleting yourself. I would elaborate more, but that would be a whole other post & I think I might want to save this for the book. In any event, I will just say to choose your battles wisely. I want to continue to expound upon my tackling (I don't like to think of it as fighting) skills in this new year. It's so important to have a clear mind for when you are working on goals (& at all times). I find that to operate at a high level, you must find strategic & smart ways to combat negativity (at least for me). I know that some of us would like to avoid it forever, but that is not real life. The process can actually be really character building if you work at it. I also want to continue my running journey. I really thought I was done with running some time ago. This year, I went further than I could have imagined. I am doing the 10K training now. I am up for the challenge. I'm not gonna lie...it can be really hard some days. It's just this feeling that I get when I run. It's like "everything makes sense". πππ Seriously tho...running does something for me...so I'm gonna keep working towards getting better at it. This full plate of responsibilities & goals is why I feel I must, must, must guard & protect my energy more in 2018. Plus, I just want to be happy & have fun.<br />
Another thing I wanted to mention was being intentional & strategic. I thought I was already doing this, but I have found that there are more areas that I can actually be better at this. I am all about being organic, but sometimes you really do have to move a certain way to have better results. It's all about finding a balance in being true to yourself, but still trying to be wiser about how you carry yourself.<br />
Lastly, I just want to say that I think 2018 may also be the year of surrender. I was thinking about how when I first left home to live at the main campus of my university, I was 20 years old. I started out college at a branch in my hometown. That was almost 18 years ago. I'm like: "I could have raised a full human in that time". 18 years seems like so long, but it honestly does not feel that long. What these years of a "full grown" journey has taught me is priceless. I have learned so much that I feel will help me as I continue on my path. But I think this journey has also made me just want to surrender my plans a bit. For the first time in my life, I just want to see what God wants to do. I feel like for so long it's been me with these plans asking for God's help. Now, I kinda just want God to tell me what's up. Some years ago, a lady I knew told me that Jeremiah 29:11 was my scripture. The scripture talks about how God knows the plans that he has for us. I just feel like some of my plans have fallen flat. I'm not giving up at all, I just have come to a point where I really want to see what God can throw my way. Of course, I'll be working. I truly feel that God put writing & now running in my spirit to work on. I believe in doing those things, I am building something. I just don't want to try to plan the end result too much because I truly don't know what it is. I'm kind exhausted in trying to figure it all out. Sometimes, you have to go through a bunch of paths & processes to figure out who you are & who you're not. I feel like these 18 years have raised me into the woman that I'm supposed to be. I'm not where I wanna be...but 2018 will find me continuing to work on it.<br />
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Love,<br />
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Autumn ππβ¨<br />
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Ms. Geek Goddesshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07455681719651381159noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9093011321973853983.post-66696582924366497842017-09-22T07:05:00.001-04:002017-09-22T11:00:10.209-04:00Super The world calls. It pulls me this way & that. I find myself stressed. I can feel the tightening in my chest. Then, I tell myself: Iβm HUMAN.<br />
I stopped wanting to be Superwoman a while ago. Yes, Alicia made it into an anthem that so many of us sung along to. For those who are old enough to remember, Karyn White also made the concept of being (or not being) Superwoman something to talk about. I honestly think those songs were just calling out the truth about the weight & distress that we plow through in life (and relationships). Nevertheless, I think that we made them into too much of an anthem & thought process that we can take on the world. I am a very strong woman. I will almost kill myself trying to live up to my word. I like to be seen as someone who is on top of her game. I genuinely like to help & take care of others. However, sometimes, these traits can be a cocktail for disaster. Did I mention that I am a recovering people pleaser? Oh, and that I can be really paranoid about how I am perceived? And then there is that anxiety issueβ¦<br />
I came to a point this year where I am learning to relinquish things that donβt allow me to be human. This does not mean that I physically walk away from every situation that brings me stress. It just means that I have opened my mind to the possibility that me acting like I am not made of steel may have repercussions. While loss of any kind is distressing & uncomfortableβ¦so is a tight chest.<br />
I truly believe that I am a superhero in my head. I feel like there is a power inside of all of us to go way beyond what we thought. I dream of the day that I can put out books & give talks to help others. I dream of the day that I can be in the art world putting out projects. I also dream about just putting out words that can help, heal, ease, invoke a smile, or create a sense of knowing that no one is alone. Soβ¦I blog my struggles & life to try & offer that. I feel that my one of my superpowers is within my words. I feel that I can help βsave the worldβ if I just keep writing.<br />
What motivates you to want to take on the world? What makes you want to go above & beyond? If it is coming from a place of stress or distress, I want to encourage you to remember that you are human. I want you to know that the criticism (and expectation) may hurt (and give you PTSD) but criticism that is not constructive is coming from a broken place. Often times, people will expect something out of you that they canβt give. There is a disconnect in people that put others down while never looking at themselves. Those people are not doing the work they need to do either. Sometimes, high expectations come from not really doing the work you need to do in life. Working through life & experience can create compassion & humility. Many critics are being very humanβ¦but when you are a paranoid people pleaserβ¦itβs a hard hurdle to get over. And itβs not just one person (or groups of people) that you need to put to bed. Life as a collective requires unrealistic bars to be set all the time. However, you are human.<br />
Itβs Fridayβ¦but we all know that life calls on us 24/7. Soβ¦if you are feeling stressed or distressed...remember that you are ONE. HUMAN. PERSON. Do your bestβ¦but donβt kill yourself (because eventually all the stress can possibly kill you). Breathe. Smile. And be Superβ¦in the best (and MOST HEALTHY) way you know how. Love & hugs. β€οΈπβ¨<br />
Love,<br />
AutumnMs. Geek Goddesshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07455681719651381159noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9093011321973853983.post-57598314713699602772017-09-09T18:04:00.001-04:002017-09-09T18:04:38.142-04:00Definition Lately... I find that things are not effecting me in the way they once did. It's a bit startling when this first starts to happen. I want to talk about this for a second. I truly believe that certain things can become a part of us through certain seasons of life. For example, anxiety or anger can become a part of you due to a crazy situation. If you go through the process of healing & cleaning, these things will start to fall off. It may be a slow process...but it is a process that happens when you continue to seek elevation in your soul. I used to be D E E P L Y depressed. It was really, really bad. I mean, I spent many years of my life not even wanting to live. I was in an immense amount of pain. Nevertheless, by the grace of God, I'm not in that place anymore. I do struggle with depression...I've come to accept that this is a real condition...but it doesn't control my life anymore. I actually have no real desire to die anymore either...but it took YEARS for me to get to this point. Even writing these words makes me want to cry. I have come SO FAR as a person. I fought to live without even really knowing what I was fighting for. It has been a really hard journey...but I wouldn't be me without it. Anyway, to complete the point I started with...is just to say to embrace the healthiness. It's crazy to say...but when you are in dysfunctional cycles...the absence of them may seem weird. It's kind of like a diet. Not eating your junk food may make you feel like you don't know what to do with yourself in the beginning. Health brings a lightness that might be unusual at first. I can remember watching Oprah's Lifeclass & her saying it is okay not to be loyal to the dysfunction. That is something that has always stuck with me. Filling up on the "junk food" of life may be less bland at times...but it's bad for you in the long run. It's never too late to change. Maybe you were brought up on a lot of "junk food" (literally & figuratively) as a child...but as an adult you truly can choose a healthier way. It can be a really hard journey...and you may falter at times. However, if you stay committed...I know you can win.<br />
Anyway...I kind of want to talk about definition a little bit. I feel like for the past decade I've been going through a stripping of sorts. At first...I felt as though God had taken everything away from me. This was a HUGE part of my depression. I truly could not understand why I was alive. I felt so betrayed by God. I mean, I literally felt like everything was GONE. I'm gonna be honest, some things still are so very lost. Nevertheless, I've learned that my existence on this earth is not defined by anything but God. I feel like we are born into this huge world that dictates who we should be. Within these worlds are our own personal worlds with even more demands. Then there is our soul that was ultimately what was given to us. I've come to realize that whether you are born rich or poor...there is still a lot of pressure to become all of these different things. I feel like being a girl who grew up with no money...I always felt like I wanted to live this sophisticated life. I didn't have many positive male role models so I hated men (to an extent) & just wanted to be this independent woman. Every time I felt for a guy...I felt like I was betraying myself. I didn't go around sabotaging relationships & such. It was just a feeling I had. Brokenness & having to be brave made me a tough chick. I used to never tell friends I loved them. I'd just be like: "you know"...that was my "I love you". I was so set on being this big entity because I felt like it would somehow reconcile all of my pain. I mean, I always dreamed of being in the arts...but I just felt like being this rich independent woman (who still secretly fell for guys) was the thing. So...what happens when nothing happens? What happens when you STRUGGLE to get through college & you don't get one single job? What happens when you don't get to move to your dream city & start your dream life? What happens when you fall into a horrible depression & are a shell of yourself? What happens when broken relationships break even worse & eventually become nothing? What happens when you never get the guy no matter how cute, glamorous, sweet, not sweet, stand offish, not stand offish (and whatever else I'm supposed to be) you are? Praying for a husband does not always work like you think, ladies. I've been praying for that since I was in my 20's & no I did not go around sabotaging all these relationships. It just truly did not happen for me. At some point I really did stop hating men (or fake hating them). I'm chalking it up to my weird personality. Idk... What happens when you don't get to be a mom? What happens when it just doesn't happen? What happens when everything feels like shattered glass & you are naked with the brokenness that you never quite succeeded in getting to cover?<br />
Exposed wounds hurt. Growing at what feels like the speed of a turtle hurts. Peeling back layers hurts. Fighting with God HURTS! Not getting to become a dysfunctional woman with dope threads, jobs, houses, & cars hurts. I didn't willingly go on this journey. I was just trying to follow God. I thought being perfect would get me this "blessed" life. Well, this is where I ended up. Skeptics would pick my life apart & that REALLY used to bother me. What I know is that I have truly tried in every aspect of my life...in some ways to a fault. I've learned that following God will bring you to where you need to be. The truth is this: The woman I was seeking to become. The defense mechanisms I wanted to keep...well...THEY ARE NOT ME AT ALL! I'm a huge geek. I'm super kind. I'd do almost anything for the people I love...& even some I don't like so much. I'm very generous & loving. Now, I am natural independent & tough. It's just I am a bit healthier with it all now. I do really want to be in the arts & I am not opposed to money. I'd still like to become wealthy for something I've done. I'm just being honest. Nevertheless, since I like the little things in life, I don't know where all of the fortune would go to. I do want to travel...so I figure my money could take me around the world. I guess my point is that by not being able to be defined by material possessions, statuses, & I guess even relationships...I've become this girl. I also have to say that I had to stop being defined by what the brokenness in my soul left behind. I had to stop letting sadness win. I had to stop letting anxiety win. I had to quit letting death win. I had to stop letting anger & bitterness win. I had to stop letting pity win. I had to stop letting this idea of perfection win. I had allow myself to be human...because for so long I never really did. I always knew who I was...even in the depressions...in the anger...in the panic...I knew that wasn't the true essence of me. I never could accept being a girl with a broken wing. No. Not me. I had to stop being what big life & & my life circles wanted me to be as well.<br />
So...when I see myself not being effected by things so much anymore...I know it is because I am living the true definition of me. I'm not trying to be something I'm not. I'm not trying to hide my pain behind things that won't heal it. I'm not trying to be stronger than I am. I'm just trying to be me. I'm trying to accept life for what it is & not what I want to to be. The "stripping" was good because through it I found the courage to be vulnerable enough to be me. I feel like the more I live out of the true definition of myself...the stronger & more healed I become. Be encouraged if you are on what feels like a slow elevating journey. You are becoming who you need to be...minute by minute...day by day.<br />
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Love,<br />
Autumn<br />
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Ms. Geek Goddesshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07455681719651381159noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9093011321973853983.post-24970152651373904302017-06-26T00:58:00.002-04:002017-06-26T00:58:54.223-04:00Ageless Autumn I've decided that I don't want to live by an age anymore. NOBODY believes I'm 37. I don't feel like I'm 37. I don't want to try and live up to an age anymore. It's maddening and it makes me feel awkward. I'm a unicorn. I'm a mermaid. I'm also very serious & mature. I'm a woman. I'm a girl. I'm a princess. I'm a Goddess. Sometimes, I feel like I'm 50. I'm so sick is standards. I just want to be FREE to be me! I'm not a force that everyone will understand. And God knows I don't understand a great many of the people that walk this planet. I've spent my whole life feeling like I was supposed to live up to all of this stuff. A lot of it just feels like an illusion these days. I don't want to be judged by an age because I know people older than me that act 5.<br />
Maybe if we can get out of the age prison, we can stop feeling like life has stopped ticking for us. Ok, look, I'm NOT being delusional here. We DO age! It's true. There are things that we need to do to keep ourselves up. And some things are not age appropriate. But I'm just trying to break out of a box that doesn't fit. I'm not trying to turn back a clock. I just honestly don't feel 37. And it makes me feel weird because I don't see myself as this immature "woman child". And it just makes me think that maybe we should take off the age box to an extent and just live from our souls. Don't let your age dictate where you can go in life. As I said, aging is REAL! Biology is REAL! But age is just not as limiting as we sometimes make it. Follow your heart until the day that you die. Not sure if this makes sense. But then this is coming from the woman who think she's a being that floats. Hahaha. I just feel like so many things are a mental trap. I'm just finding age to be one of them. Every day that God gives us life is a CHANCE for us to continue living our best lives. Sometimes, our dreams or thoughts may mature... but they never really have to die. Perhaps they just take on a different shape and form. Idk... just some thoughts to help me (us) stay a bit more open.<br />
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Love,<br />
AutumnMs. Geek Goddesshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07455681719651381159noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9093011321973853983.post-75762489560880868632017-06-05T20:01:00.003-04:002017-06-05T20:10:53.437-04:00Pearly Gates<br />
So... Happy Monday! I hope everyone had a pleasant weekend. Mine was pretty sweet. A nice mixture of sleep, art, & productivity. While I know that we are not yet in the summer season, my soul is in high gear for creativity. I seriously used to hate summer so much. It seemed like summer would bring some sort of madness to my doorstep. However, I have found a new love in the fact that summer now seems to birth a higher level of creativity in me. I think it is the warmth, and being able to be at my different writing spots that makes me so happy. Winter makes this shuffle a bit harder. So, I am ready for that because my personal projects (or projects that are not on the net) are in need of some serious love. I truly believe in this lifelong dream of mine simply because it never dies. Not only does it not die, it seems to matures with me.<br />
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So... Saturday, I was artist daydreaming about where I want to see myself in the future. This is nothing new to me. I am a dreamer. However, I also started having these thoughts about how I never want to have the attitude that "I've arrived". People say that all the time. When you really think about it, it's such a flawed way of thinking. We spend the majority of our lives journeying to this place of "arrival". It's like this magical land where you finally get to come alive, be recognized, and fit in with the rest of the world. You go from being a non factor (in the words of Evelyn Lozada) to becoming relevant in the different circles of society. You are now living life as it "should be lived". At 37, part of this arriving seems like your validation to look down on others without anyone being able to pull your card. Some people arrive and in the blink of an eye start to snub others around them. This is because the magic fairy dust that comes with arriving made them forget where they came from. So, you arrive... then what? It's as if the whole journey is discounted. It's as if you (and nothing about you) matters until you hit this place. And I'm not saying this is everyone. I'm just saying that different parts of what I am saying is the mentality of some of the people around us. Then, saying: "I've arrived" feels kind of finalizing. It feels like a place that you have to stay. Because who would ever dream of unarriving (totally just made up a word). And you see people do insane things to stay at this place of arrival. Things that are detrimental to themselves and those around them. But you must go hard or go home, right? And who cares if you hurt the world... because it's lonely at the top, right?<br />
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Am I say accomplishing goals is wrong? No. I write a lot of this stuff out of self reflection. Sometimes, it's just me telling off former thought processes that I once had. I used to be that person that was obsessed with being at the top. Part of it was passion (a huge part). Part of it was because that's what I thought I should be doing. Part of it was a defense mechanism. Part of it was trying to follow God. Do I still want to be at the top? Well, yes. I'm a bit of a warrior about life. I don't believe in not striving for the best... even if it takes me a while to get there. However, I want what is the top for MY life experience. I also believe the better term is actually "arriving". Life is a JOURNEY. So, at different times I will arrive at different places. Different phases. Different seasons. Different levels. Sometimes, I may arrive at a valley. Sometimes, I may hit a mountaintop (because there are more than one). Perhaps, I'll arrive at a plateau. To me, when I've really arrived is when I come to the pearly gates. I had to pray and ask God to help me to stop making these "grand" events the light at the end of the tunnel for me. I feel that place (for me) is reserved for God.<br />
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I think where I am right now is in a more balanced place. There are still many places that I would like to visit on my journey. Some "places" may be more permanent than others. I just don't ever want to be defined by anything that would make me an ugly person. It's not that success or accomplishment makes you ugly... at all. It's just about your heart condition. I didn't have an impure heart before. It was just harder... and maybe a bit colder. Now I'm like this "flower child" running around. I think in trying to cleanse yourself of stuff like that, you can sometimes go to the end of the spectrum of throwing your whole self away. Certain dreams just don't die. I will always want to be Autumn The Artist. I dream of inspiring all kinds of people with my art. I want to travel all over. And, I'm not gonna lie, being well known for my art wouldn't be the worst thing. I'm an 80's babe. Fame or being well known was actually for artistry when I was a kid. And, I mean, I have so many other dreams. That's really just who I am. BUT I'm just not as consumed as I once was. And wherever I'm going, I'm just passing through for however long the good Lord sees fit. This feels a bit like a mashup... but these are just some thoughts. All I can say in closing is embrace the journey because it makes you better. You life is happening NOW. You matter NOW. You are awesome NOW. The magic is happening NOW. Fight to learn the places inside yourself... and you won't have to fight so hard to maintain a place of relevance to the masses. You're relevant NOW! You ALWAYS have been. And, every day, you are arriving at a place to keep propelling your life forward. But you should totally daydreaming while all of the now is happening. Happy thoughts only! ;)<br />
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Love,<br />
Autumn<br />
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Ms. Geek Goddesshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07455681719651381159noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9093011321973853983.post-66114743195143715472017-06-02T19:46:00.002-04:002017-06-02T19:56:21.545-04:00Water So... a few Sundays ago, my pastor preached on offense (or being offended). One of the things he said was that offense should roll off of our backs like water (I may not be getting this verbatim, but that was the point). I can't remember if this was part of a scripture or not. In any event, picture water rolling off your back... this is how unbothered you should be by the offenses of life.<br />
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Sometimes, when things are said in church, I metaphorically kind of roll my eyes... (I'm just being honest) or just tune it out a bit. Sometimes, I feel like the church community can be so general about things. I am not trying to justify having a wrong attitude or spirit. I am just saying that life can feel so complex at times... and writing down point number 4 in the sermon may not always feel like enough to suffice for where I am at in life.<br />
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In pondering on this a bit deeper, I realize that maybe my pastor was right. Offense is something that happens to us all. Some are minor. Some are major. Some are just plain out catastrophic. Nevertheless, what I've come to realize is that offense not only offends... it also robs. When something offends you, it ruffles you in some manner. No one (I don't care who you are) is completely numb to offense. We ALL have emotions, even if we deal with them differently. I feel like even people who act unbothered are being robbed of openness and vulnerability. Offense can rob you of your time. If you can't get it off of your mind or are venting it out... that's time. It can rob you of your peace. It can rob you of your character if it causes you to react in a way that can be unfavorable. It can rob you of your energy on different levels. It can rob you of your happiness. Offense not only slaps you, and pushes you on the ground. It also runs off with a piece of your internal wealth.<br />
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It is so easy to stay in a place of indifference and irritation when it comes to being offended. I definitely think you need to evaluate the type of offenses that come into your life... as well as the source. I think that it is wise to cultivate a behavior that really does cause offenses to roll off your back because, at times, there is no escaping them. If I could, I'd run off to an island and let real water run off of me. However, that is not real life. I have learned that many times in life taking the high road may feel like you "lost the fight"... or are a punk. I just think that it important to decide what you want for yourself. I've reached an age where I don't have time for too many things that zap me of my positive energy. Sometimes, you can cut off situations. Other times, it's not so easy. Either way, you have to fight the dark energy with the light that's in you.<br />
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The Bible says that we wrestle not against flesh and blood... (Ephesians 6:12). If we are wrestling against principalities and powers, then we have to know that we must use the light in us to overcome the darkness trying to attack our energy. Sometimes, that means biting your tongue. Sometimes, that means not responding to everything. Sometimes, that means walking away. Sometimes, that means really thinking about the offense. Is it really a personal attack... or is this a normal occurrence across the board? Sometimes, it's not giving the offense the energy of even mentioning it for venting purposes. Sometimes, it does mean cutting off toxic situations. For me, I feel like it always means prayer for direction.<br />
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These days, I am trying to look out more for my higher self. It's not so much about proving points... or maintaining a certain image to others. It's just about what brings me peace across the board. High energy feels so AMAZING! That is where I want to dwell for the majority of my time. I don't like feeling low. I don't like being out of my character or element. I don't like dark energy coming in to rob me of my happiness and productivity. I don't like being robbed of kindness and love. I can't control all of the elements around me. However, I can try to just learn and grow from it all in the most beautiful way possible. So... that's the goal. I guess the seed my pastor planted is starting to grow. These are just some thoughts floating through my mind. We all handle things differently... and I would never try to impose my way on anyone. I'm just putting this energy out there for whoever may appreciate it... and for my own therapy (hahaha)! :)<br />
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Love,<br />
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Autumn<br />
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Ms. Geek Goddesshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07455681719651381159noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9093011321973853983.post-21788487050240266412017-06-01T19:05:00.002-04:002017-06-01T19:05:43.084-04:00Transcend <br />
Sometimes, living in this crazy life, we can lose sight (or forget) who we are. As I have stated before, at times, the dark overshadows the light. We are all subject to be our own worst enemies. The internal dialogue that we give ourselves can be brutal at times. And, really, what is it based on? Past circumstances (process, heal, let go, and fight for something better)? Opinions of others (are they living your life)? Societal expectations (is what they want for you what you want for you)? Haters (haters gonna hate... it is what it is)? Your own expectations (work hard, be gentle, and give yourself some time)? Failures (EVERYONE fails at something... grow from it)? Life is ever changing and ever so loud. Our hearts and minds can hold a cluster of emotions. Where do you find yourself in the shuffle?<br />
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I have always been a confident girl with a bit of a complex. An oxymoron, I know. Honestly, most of us are walking contradictions to some degree... so there you have it. I've felt misunderstood for so long that even though I continue to grow into being comfy in my skin, I still have a complex about being misunderstood. I also have a perfection problem. I'm growing out of it, but it can still be a struggle. For me, presentation is SO MUCH. We live in this era where people can just "let it all hang out" in different aspects. I'm just not that person. No one can be on all the time (although I would if I could be), but there is a time and a place for everything. I've spent my whole life trying to cultivate (since I was old enough to have a grasp on what that meant as a kid) this women of excellence. I have never really left much room for error. I judge myself pretty harshly, and I've just recently learned to stop. Being an EMOTIONAL female can feel like a debilitating illness. Being passionate and feisty can feel like too much at times. In my head, I'm so dope... and yet so flawed. I believe in being organic... I just am not always about my natural self. Nevertheless, I continue to chisel away at this woman that I strive to become.<br />
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So... when in the middle of all this internal red tape, someone can see the true essence of me, it touches me. I have learned that sometimes you can feel like a total and complete mess, but the light of God will still shine through you. I'm not really a girl who seeks validation, but people being able to see the work that is in progress is encouraging. This especially means something coming from people who have seen your "crazy". Sometimes, we get so caught up in fixing our flaws that we can't appreciate the beauty of our growth. Today, I say: cut yourself some slack. If you're working on being a better person, know that work has to lead to a payoff of some sort. Nothing is in vain... even if it feels like it. You're becoming who you need to be... even if you can't always see it! :)<br />
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Love,<br />
AutumnMs. Geek Goddesshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07455681719651381159noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9093011321973853983.post-38337329419100090922017-05-30T19:13:00.003-04:002017-05-30T19:13:54.756-04:00Magnitude <br />
Yesterday, I was driving home from the gym. I was quite pleased with myself for working out on the holiday. I've exercised on holidays before, but it honestly is really hard for me to get in holiday workouts these days. Since I was actually home this Memorial Day weekend, I figured that I should hit up the gym. Plus, my body wouldn't leave me alone about it. I kind of tried to tell her (my body) that we were on vacation. "Let's savor this off day", I tried to rationalize. But no... my higher self was not having it. So, off I went to jog on the treadmill. My little accomplishment made me happy, and that made me feel like the day was beautiful. I started to tweet something about the day being beautiful, but then I thought that maybe it was still too early to judge. I continued to think about how it really only takes one moment to make the day beautiful. Because, if you think about it, one bad moment can destroy a whole day. So, why don't the beautiful moments have the same magnitude?<br />
You hear it all the time. Someone will say the day is going good, and then someone will say: "well it's still early yet". On the other hand, something bad happens... and you hear: "the day is ruined". I'm not saying that I never hear people say things like: "don't let that ruin your day". I just feel like we can be more prone the let the darkness overshadow the light. I tried to think about why this is. While I know that I used to be very depressed, I feel that this is not just an Autumn problem. I honestly feel like so many people are in a negative state. I'm not discounting the happy people at all. I'm just saying that I see more people living in different forms of negative mindsets. Like, personally, I HATE when people say: "same "stuff", different day". That's such a wrong way to think. Why are you dragging yesterday into today? And people say this everyday!!! Like, when do you metaphorically burn the trash??? Rehearsal of the negative is no good. Trust me. I speak from experience. Anyway, as I continued to drive, I really thought on why the scales are not balanced with light verses dark. I know when it was me, I felt like the bad outweighed the good. That is a phrase I uttered to God many times. I was grateful for the good... but it just felt like there was more bad. I think part of it could be healing. Sometimes, it really takes time to heal from different things. If we keep dragging yesterday into today with no plan of action, healing will be really difficult. Some people haven't , or don't know how to deal with certain issues. Some don't have the strength for it. Healing does not just have to be from this major catastrophic event. It could be from simple things as well.<br />
I also just think that we are not conditioned to be happy and grateful for what we have. I feel like we are conditioned from birth to feel like we should always be living (or seeking) this top notch sort of life. Of course, this is not everyone's reality, but that is where you get into the whole social class divide. The haves are supposedly above the have nots. The have nots can almost be willing to sell their souls to Satan to get to the top. With all of this shuffle, who has time to be grateful for something like eyesight or clean water? It's almost like things like food, clothes, and shelter are lost upon us unless it comes at a middle or higher level. No one wants to live low... but sometimes struggle is just a part of your path. No one wants to live in uncertainty. However, I feel that God has always provided provision of some sort in my life. And, sometimes, we don't always get to dictate how that provision will go. How many times have you gotten extra funds... only to have to spend them on some sort of responsibility? Instead of saying: "Dang, every time I get some money... it goes"... thank God that you have the money when you need it. We are so anxious to stack. I say stack as opposed to build because that is what it feels like we sometimes do. We just check stuff off the societal checklist and stack it. Then we are on to the next thing. The question is: Are you even enjoying what you are attaining? Or are you just keeping up with the Jones's? Possession that is not based on your path and purpose on this earth may not lead to the happiness or fulfillment you may think. Then what do you do? It's taken me awhile to really realize that things like air, sunny days, and nature are true treasures. It's taken me awhile to loosen my grip on the future. I don't have all of this down to a perfect science, but I'd like to think that I'm a lot further than I used to be. There is a scripture in the Bible that says not to be anxious about tomorrow. It goes on to say that tomorrow has it's own worries (Matthew 6:34). I'm learning to just live in the day. I can't tell everyone how to live their lives. I'm only one person, living life from my perspective. I just wish we could all live in the beauty of our daily moments, allowing them to find the balance in overshadowing the dark... and shape brighter days.<br />
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Love,<br />
AutumnMs. Geek Goddesshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07455681719651381159noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9093011321973853983.post-29135504437154355002017-05-28T15:46:00.000-04:002017-05-28T16:29:25.251-04:00Everyone Smells Life Differently<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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So... last weekend... I went shopping for my birthday. Between a combination of money (and a gift card) from my company, my Grandma, and my friend, I figured I could treat myself to a little something. All I really wanted for my birthday this year was fancy coffee. I like to get coffee from this place called Harry & David. They have really cool flavors that actually taste like they say they do. My favorite is the chocolate cherry flavor. I usually would get a bag of coffee... but a few years ago I won a Keurig at my company Christmas party. It had been some time since I shopped at Harry & David... but when I called to check out k cup prices... they wanted $12.99 for 12 cups. That is a little over $1 a cup. Nobody is doing that. Not when you can go to other stores and get k cups for much cheaper. Nevertheless... I thought that perhaps I could splurge a little in the event of my birthday. The Harry & David where I live is located in an outlet mall. I love going out there because the atmosphere is nice... and they have a duck pond. So... Saturday... I made my way out to the outlet mall in pursuit of my coffee. I guess you can say that age or maturity has changed me some. When I got to the store... I looked down at the box of coffee. The $12.99 price tag looked back at me. And somehow... I found myself walking out of the store... without the coffee. I just could not do it. $13 for 12 cups... I just could not bring myself to actually do it. I decided to wander over to the Yankee candle outlet next. I had every intention of picking up some candles that day... just not at the Yankee outlet. I just wanted to look in there because it had been a while since I visited. I was pretty free and clear because I really did not see anything that I wanted... until my eyes ran across Citrus Tango. Citrus Tango was a candle that I wanted a long time ago. They discontinued it before I got the chance to buy it. I REALLY wanted that candle... so when I saw it... I could not say no. The candles at the outlet are $13.99... my fancy coffee was $12.99... so I figured for a dollar more... I could have something a little more worth my while. I was good with my one little candle... but continued to look around. I started talking with the sales associates and we started discussing the different scents. They told me about the sale that they were running... but I told them that I was going to be good and only buy one. Then... they told me that there was a coupon to get 5 large jar candles for $35. Excuse me? For those who don't shop Yankee... 1 candle at retail price is about $27.99. Add tax and you are paying close to $30. I never pay full price for any of my candles... but the most that I have ever gotten for $30 is 2 candles. 5 is unheard of. So... my strength went out the window... and I started to look for 4 more candles. I had my line up going pretty good. I tend to have a hard time with these kinds of sales because I can be so indecisive... and sometimes there are so many options that you just want to buy the whole store. I felt like I was actually doing really well... until I wasn't. There was this one candle that the sales associates were raving about. I think it was called Australian Eucalyptus. Now... I love the Eucalyptus Mint candle from Bath & Body... so I was excited to smell this one. It smelled okay... but the buzz around it made me want it more. Honestly... the candle smelled like Vicks Vapor Rub. It was nothing like my Eucalyptus Mint... and yet... I was trying to make it fit into my mixture. I had the perfect mix going... but I just felt like I was missing out on something if I did not get the candle that was all the rage. It got to the point that I was going to break my little budget just to try and fit in this candle. One of the associates told me that the particular line of candles that the Australian Eucalyptus was in would be going on sale for 75% off the next weekend. I had one other candle from that line (Sicilian Orange... I have a thing for citrus scents) and he was saying that more people would prob be getting the Australian Eucalyptus. This kind of tempted me even more to just throw this extra candle into my basket (because I was not swapping if for the Sicilian Orange... but I also didn't want the other candle to get bought out)... but I could not get past the fact that I wasn't as into it as the other ones. I walked out with my 5 candles and nothing more. Yet... that candle haunted me all the way into the next morning. It's no secret that I<strike> have a serious problem</strike> am a candle collector. It is typical of me to leave my candle excursions feeling like I should have gotten something more. However... I told myself that I really didn't even like that candle that much... it smelt like Vicks freaking Vapor Rub... so why couldn't I let it go? <br />
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As I drove to church that morning... I thought about how this applied so much to life. I know. I know. Now... I'm trying to get deep off of some candles. The truth is... I see SO many things in life as metaphors. That just seems to be my thing. You can find lessons in the simplest things. Anyway... I thought about how there are so many things in life that we are not even all that into... yet everyone around us is buzzing about it. There was this one candle that one of the vloggers on YouTube kept talking about. I went to smell it...it smelled like hamster bedding. Yet... somehow... I kept trying to find a reason to buy it (I didn't buy it... but I'm still curious). This what we do with life. We listen to the buzz (even when we are not crazy about the "smell") and we try to make it fit to be like the masses. Candles are also like life in the sense that you have certain ones that are the tried and true classics. They call them "the traditions". They come back every year... and the people flock to buy them. We also have traditions. Most of them are called holidays. And every year... we flock all around trying to make ours fit into the societal standards. We also have "traditions" that fit into the span of our life cycle. They are called: chasing tangible success, getting married, having children, living the American Dream, and the list goes on. I used to do most of my candle shopping based on reviews. The more hyped the candle was... the more I wanted it. The less hype... I would sometimes pass on it. What started I find was that some of the scents that I would initially pass on were actually really great scents. Some of the hyped scents... were just okay... lackluster... or just not really my thing at all. Everyone smells scents differently. Some candles that people say pack a strong throw (this is how far the scent travels through your place) are not all that strong to me. Some candles that people say have no throw... are really quite pleasant... and have a decent strength to me. No one's nose is the same. Just like no one's brain, heart, or soul is the same.<br />
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I feel really passionate about different paths because I feel as though I took the standard path. I tried to do everything by the book... even though I am flawed. Sometimes, I get flustered because I feel like I was miseducated in a way. I wish that I would have invested my time in different things when I was younger. I'm not whining. I truly believe that taking any path will ultimately bring you where you need to be if you don't give up. I just think that it bothers me when I see the younger generations... or even my peers still being bamboozled by the opinions of the majority. The funny thing is that some of the people who follow (or followed) the narrow minded paths of society are not even happy. Yet... I see them STILL trying to push what "makes sense" to those around them. Even though I tried to follow the "practical" path in life... I have always been my own person. I feel like at this stage of my life... I am trying to be more true to what I am feeling in the moment... even if no one gets it. With all that being said... I am not saying that buying or buying into "the traditions" of life is wrong. I hate when people are SO removed from everything as well. I'm not totally against tangible success, marriage, children, the American Dream, or whatever else we are chasing. I'm just saying that it is also okay to not do what everyone else is doing. It is okay not to be on what everyone else is on. Maybe you will get into certain "scents" of life in your own time. And some "scents" may never be for you. All I am saying is: don't break the bank of your soul trying to be like everyone else. Find the mixture that works for you... and be HAPPY!!! :)<br />
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P.S. I also pictured that Coconut & Beach Flower candle because I was so excited to get that one as well. I really wanted that... but passed on it some time ago. Now I have it in a large jar (the other one was a smaller jar). See... good things come to those who wait! ;)<br />
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I swear that there is more to life than candles with me. I just really love collecting and burning them. And I use them almost all the time. Hahaha.<br />
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Love,<br />
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Autumn<br />
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<br />Ms. Geek Goddesshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07455681719651381159noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9093011321973853983.post-20540188405211528162017-05-07T21:53:00.000-04:002017-05-08T06:34:59.683-04:0036<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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(my cake from last year)</div>
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So... I'm am approaching my 37th year on this earth. I decided to note 36 random things about me or that I've learned in life. These things are in no sequential order as to their importance. I am going off the top of my head. Let's see what we come up with...</div>
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1.<b> Life is about moments:</b> We are taught to chase careers. Events. Goals. Prototypes of romance. Those are all wonderful things. I'm just saying that in between all of the chasing, take a moment for yourself. I learned this lesson on a patio over iced tea at one of my writing spots. I was somber. The air felt amazing. The sky was transitioning from day to night. There was the perfect kind of music coming through the speakers. I was alone with my thoughts. I was rejuvenating. The chase in life can be brutal. Often times, I believe, that some of us are misinformed about different realities on this journey. The chase (even the good ones) can wear you down. I suggest taking a moment every day where you do something that appeases your senses. It really doesn't cost that much to have iced tea on a deck, patio, or balcony of a coffee shop. Walks are free. Sitting in the car and listening to a 4 minute song is not that hard to do. Reading over your morning coffee can take you to another place. We are so busy chasing what we are taught is life, that we stop listening to life itself. It has something<b><u> different</u></b> to say to us all. Take the moments to listen. Then, maybe, just maybe, those moments will lead you to path God (not society) intended for you.</div>
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2. <b>Adele is one of my favorite works of art:</b> Naming the post 36 makes me feel like I am pulling an "Adele" because she names all of her albums after numbers. I say Adele is one of my favorite works of art as opposed to artists because I think that the totality (at least what I can see) of Adele is beautiful. She is physically stunning to me. Her voice is amazing. Her songs are not always something that you may bop around to, but I honestly think they are timeless pieces. I love her personality. I love her humanness. I am not obsessed with her. Nevertheless, I am very fond of her.</div>
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3. <b>Relish (take in life):</b> At some point, I started watching life as I drove around (while keeping my eyes on the road). Sometimes, we are in such a rush to get from one place to another that we miss out on the things around us. I live in the center of a lot of mini towns. They all have something special about them. There is this one town that I love to go to just for the scenery on the drive. I actually ended up working in that town for a time and I would take note of what was around me every day. Often times, that helped me to unwind from the day. Slow down and take in the beauty on the roads of life... because one day you just might miss them. Relish them now. You'll get to where you're going soon enough. ;)</div>
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4. <b>Cadbury and Lindt are 2 of my favorite chocolate brands:</b> They have rich chocolate... what is not to like? Caramello bars will always be a fave. I also am obsessed with the Cadbury mini eggs at Easter. Lindt is responsible for Lindor Truffles which are nothing short if amazing! :) I actually try not to eat sweets all the time... but when I do... these are some of my faves.</div>
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5.<b> Always be open to evaluation:</b> Even if it doesn't always look like it, I have learned to try and take in the criticism of others. Even if the words are harsh, I try to think on them. I think that it is important to take others into consideration. All we know is all we know. Everyone has a different background. Perhaps there could be room for a little openness. Some things simply must be tossed in the trash. Nevertheless, I like to try and be flexible with others for 2 reasons. 1.) it grows me. 2.) it shows me who they are. If I am out here trying with you and you are still talking trash... I know that the real issue is you. Upon seeing this, I can feel peace if I distance myself or move on. I gave an honest effort on more of your terms. What else is there to say? I may not throw the baby out with the bathwater on that person... but my ears will not be as open.</div>
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6.<b> Audie is a family nickname that was given to me:</b> Sometimes, I am Audie Dottie. Honestly, if anyone outside of my family called me that, it would be like some sort of weird culture shock. </div>
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7. <b>Granny Smith apples are my favorite apples/fruit:</b> Hands down. There is nothing better than those apples... except Pink Lady apples. The only thing about Pink Lady apples is that they only come out at a certain time of the year... so Granny Smith is the all around fave.</div>
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8. <b>Billy Joel is my musical Grandfather:</b> So... when I was younger, I used to have this purple clock radio that I would listen to at night. "River Of Dreams" used to come on and I became obsessed with it. To this day, that song is still like a "lullaby" of sorts to me. Billy Joel's music was always around, but I really became more engrossed with it when I went to college. His tunes are amazing to me and "River Of Dreams" will always be a part of my DNA.</div>
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9. <b>Tears For Fears is also one of my favorite bands/duos:</b> I grew up in the 80's with MTV in the background. Plus, I was really obsessed with Roland's hair.</div>
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10. <b>Notebook and a dream:</b> So... I like to say that all I have is a notebook and a dream. It's kind of true. I've been carrying around a notebook since I was 7 years old. I've also been dreaming about publishing a book for that long as well. I always talk about how obsessed with candles that I am... but I also have a huge notebook obsession. I LOVE artsy notebooks. I have more of them than I know what to do with. Even though I have a laptop, I still have to pen all of my stuff out on paper. I have always done it like that. Then, I read somewhere that Toni Morrison does that same thing and that just gave me more incentive. I have tried to write one of my books and different stories straight on the laptop... but it feels really inorganic to me. I question if I am being a dinosaur about this, but I feel like every writer has their process. For the time being, I am sticking to working out of my notebooks first.</div>
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11. <b>Tyler Perry:</b> I feel like if I am ever to win an Oscar, I cannot give my acceptance speech without shouting out Tyler Perry. Prior to seeing Tyler Perry do what he did with film, I felt that I would never be able to go into film. I was raised in a religious environment, and a lot of times the whole entertainment thing is frowned upon. I can remember listening to my pastor talking about Kirk Cameron and his journey. It seemed to be very narrow and rigid. I just felt like there was no place for a Christian girl to really be able to have a range in the industry so I kind of shut it down in my mind. I already knew who Tyler Perry was because of the plays, but when he started doing film, it really inspired me to feel like there could be a lane for me. Even though I feel that Tyler and I are different these days, I will still always be grateful for how much he inspired me... and who knows... maybe I can still work with him someday.</div>
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12. <b>Be true to yourself. Always.</b></div>
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13. <b>Your journey doesn't need to make sense to everyone:</b> Life speaks to us all in different ways. We are all unique and we all have our own unique path. Some advice is universal and some is not. It's kind of impossible for anyone to speak on a situation that they are not well versed in. Yet, somehow, so many of us allow people to speak into our lives when they have not clue about walking the journey. Stop allowing people to try to normalize what is unique in your life. Everything does not need to be and will not be understood by everybody.</div>
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14.<b> I have never been drunk before... and if I was (because this has been debated)... it was only once.</b></div>
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15.<b> I smoked my first cigarette because I was upset about a guy (and because I had this need to not be so "perfect"):</b> I went from raging to feeling like I was floating on air. I tried some more after that but it really was not my thing. I still crave them from time to time... but I could never bring myself to buy a pack of cigarettes. It's just not that deep to me. </div>
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16.<b> Fiona Apple is one of the many loves of my life.</b></div>
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17. <b>I think that Samuel L. Jackson does not get the recognition he deserves:</b> The man is in EVERYTHING and has a range that is out of this world. I think he deserves more props.</div>
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18.<b> Robert DeNiro is my </b><u><b>favorite </b></u><b>actor.</b> </div>
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19. <b>Kevin Spacey is my second favorite actor. </b></div>
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20. <b>I'm secretly in love with Ryan Murphy</b>: He does so many things right... how can I not love him? I have thoroughly enjoyed so many of his projects. We've been walking together through life on and off for about 15-16 years now. I hope we never break up.</div>
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21.<b> I don't care about my looks as much anymore:</b> I think that I am beautiful. I am not going to say that I have no insecurities... because I do. I believe in keeping yourself up and all that jazz. When I say that I don't care about my looks as much, I guess I just mean that I am not validated by them. I care more about who I am on the inside. I want people to think I am attractive... but there is a lot more to me than just that. I actually am more flattered when people call me brilliant as opposed to beautiful. Feeling this way is something that just happened over time. Maybe it's maturity. Like I said, this is not about falling off... it's just about not being validated by physical beauty.</div>
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22. <b>My 2 minute philosophy:</b> I have said for years that I would rather have 2 minutes of love in it's truest form than a lifetime of something that is not. I don't feel like I was ever the girl who was obsessed with weddings the way that some other girls may have been. Marriage has never not been an option for me... but I took a bit longer to develop in the area of love. I had crushes and such. It took me to about my mid 20's to start to think that love was a beautiful thing. Today, I have become a full on romantic. Where did it come from? Omygosh... Nevertheless, somewhere in the middle of mid 20's and now... I adopted this 2 minute philosophy. It may have been a way to explain the pressure that I was feeling for being single and not taking these heavy measures to "fix" the problem. I think that fact that I was never super obsessed with the event of marriage may have helped me in the long run. I want LOVE! I don't just want to say I'm a wife (I want to say that too... but not without <b><u>true</u></b> love). I know that marriage can be challenging. I am not as unrealistic as I feel people sometimes deem me. I just want be married to someone that I am crazy about. It bothers me that some of the people that I talk to (that are married) act like marriage is no big deal... or scoff about their spouse. Look, I'm good on bringing anything into my life that is not fulfilling. I don't need this ring to feel as though I fit in with the women of the world. I think love is something that happens at different times for certain people. Personally, I don't know if I would have made the best wife before now... and I still feel like I may be a bit unconventional in some ways (maybe not). To close this matter, I will leave it with this. When I was in high school, my sociology teacher talked about having butterflies when she would go home and see her husband. She was an older lady. I am not sure if this was her first time being married (for some reason I think it may have been her second time... I could be wrong) but I got the feeling that she had been married for a while. That is what I want. Me and bae may have our issues, but I just want to know that what we have is the real and forever kind of thing. </div>
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23. <b>I want to get married on the beach in bedazzled flip flops:</b> I don't really want to have a traditional wedding in a church. One of the reasons for this is because I am super shy and I don't want to say my vows in front of all of those people. I used to want to write out these vows... and I didn't want everyone to hear what I wrote. Plus I love the beach and that is just where I want to get married. I used to say that I would get married and then come back and have a big party that everyone could come to. So... we shall see. </div>
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24. <b>I don't have a type:</b> When I was younger, I went through different seasons of being attracted to different kinds of guys. As I got older, I came to just be attracted to the heart and soul of a person. Even when I was younger, I usually liked my friends. I tend to fall for guys that I am comfortable with (I think because I can be shy). I find that there are just people in life that I am naturally comfortable with... and I don't always know why. In any event, I like guys that I can be myself around and who are just genuinely good people.</div>
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25. <b>God is my best friend. No matter what, this will never change.</b></div>
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26. <b>My Grandma (and Grandad) has always been the most important person in my life:</b> She drives me crazy at times. We have our differences. However, there will never be another person in life that can take her place. I thank God for blessing me to have her in my life for so long. I hope that she has many more years on this earth. I love her fiercely and so very deeply.</div>
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27. <b>Imitation Of Life is one of the best older films ever made. Both versions. They are so good.</b></div>
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28.<b> I am the oldest and only girl of all the grandchildren in my family. And I am tougher than all those boys. :)</b></div>
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29. <b>Baseball is my favorite sport: </b>I am not a sports fan. I repeat. I am not a sports fan. I just really like baseball. We used to play it growing up. I like to sit outside and watch it. I also said if I ever had a son, I was going to try and get him to play it. He can be mommy's little slugger. Now, if he hates it, he can quit. I just really want my son to play baseball. </div>
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30. <b>Celebrate yourself: </b>Support is nice. We all want everyone to be happy for our accomplishments. We all (or at least most of us) want people to celebrate our victories and milestones. The sad truth is, this does not always happen. Look, it is YOUR life. It is YOUR dream. It is YOUR milestone. It is YOUR accomplishment or victory. The harsh reality is that no one has to care about YOUR life. I've heard stories about people planning parties and no one really showing up. You get amazing news and the "applause" is lackluster... and perhaps even bitter. It sucks. I know. There are a multitude of reasons for why people respond to things in the way that they do... or don't. Instead of focusing on that, focus on celebrating yourself. YOU worked hard. YOU persevered. YOU survived. YOU are benefiting. Sometimes, the best moments of our lives are best kept to<b><u> ourselves</u></b>. I am all for celebrating with others... but I feel that you should have a <b><u>moment </u></b>where you take it in for yourself. Thank God for whatever the blessing is and just feel the positivity within yourself. It's really no one's obligation to celebrate anything about you. I know this sounds SO harsh right now... but it is a truth that I see all too often. Learn to congratulate yourself. Take the focus off of others and give the focus to YOUR moment. You worked for it... or it's been given to you. If you would guard your house from a known thief, why can't you do that with your soul? Don't let people rob you of YOUR joy. YOUR momentum. YOUR peace. YOUR positivity. YOUR pace. Protect it... and celebrate the beauty of YOU.</div>
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31. <b>Charlotte's Web is one of my favorite books.</b></div>
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32.<b> I have a weird fascination with polka dots.</b></div>
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33. <b>Age is just a number. Aging, however, is a very real thing. Take care of yourself. </b></div>
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34. <b>Laughter is one of the many loves of my life.</b></div>
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35. <b>Death is really going to happen someday: </b>I think seeing all the death around me last year hit home. Seeing legends who seemed a bit magical and invincible made me realize that we really do die. I mean, I always knew it. It just really woke me up... and humbled me in a way.</div>
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36. <b>I'm not obsessed with Happily Ever After (in the way you may think): </b>I. Love. Fairytales. Let me say it again for the people in the back. I. LOVE. Fairytales. I always have. I used to love to watch The Brother's Grimm's fairytales when I was in school. I have always loved Disney. The reason that the adult version of me loves fairytales, fables, mythology, and Charlie Brown is because they still relate to adult life. Everyone says:" Life is not a fairytale". When people say that, they have once again, focused on the event and not the journey. Most fairytales are FULL of opposition. Cinderella was a slave. Snow White was stalked, plotted on, and fed a poison apple. Sleeping Beauty had a curse put on her. Simba watched his father be murdered and then was made to think it was his fault. Ariel almost had her voice stolen. Granted, Ariel gave her voice away... but Ursula played on her vulnerability. Walk outside of Disney and the versions of these stories can get a bit darker. It is only at the end of the story, when ALL hope seems lost, that the prince kisses the princess and they live happily ever after. It is only after watching a plot FULL of STRUGGLE that we see some freedom. I find that "children's" tales can hold certain truths that get lost in adult life. The Tortoise and the Hare says: "Slow and steady wins the race"... so why are we made to think that we have to rush through life? You can also apply "The Little Red Hen" to what I said about celebrating yourself. If you want to talk about unrealistic realities... watch a Rom-Com. I love them... but why don't people say: "Life is not a Rom-Com?" I just feel that a lot of tales deal with the subject of good verses evil. Darkness verses light. If you have faith in this life, you have hope that God will bless your life and give you a good end (and I don't mean through death). We struggle with the hope that somehow God will help us to see goodness in the land of the living. How is that different from Happily Ever After? Everyone has their own view. I actually see some tales as being able to be compared to spiritual life in a way. I could go on and on about this as I actually want to start dissecting more fairytales as I go along in life. While I will give you the fact that the Happily Ever Afters could have more diverse endings, I still believe in fairytales... because I believe in the goodness of life. And, maybe, just maybe, I like holding on to a bit of my girlhood too. :)</div>
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There is probably so much more that I could say... but this was my random 36 things to celebrate my 36 years. Let's see what I will learn this year. 37 is not here just yet... but she's on her way. :)</div>
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Love you!</div>
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Autumn</div>
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Ms. Geek Goddesshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07455681719651381159noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9093011321973853983.post-8173789455280729692017-04-23T22:19:00.000-04:002017-04-23T22:35:46.492-04:00Natasha Bedingfield<div style="text-align: center;">
<b><i>"I gave you volume after volume of my work so you can feel my truths"</i></b></div>
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<b><i>-Jay Z</i></b></div>
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So... sometimes... life feels like it likes to play games with your emotions. Sometimes, it feels like no matter how you try and play your hand... she will come along and say "ah, ah, ah... not so fast...". I used to be all too phased by life and her fickle and inconsistent ways. Nevertheless, growth has taught me to try and just ride the waves and still have joy. For the most part I am pretty happy with what God has helped me to cultivate within my soul. Though I am quite sure that I will always be emotional... I have pretty much been able to erase the word "basket case" that used to follow me around like the plague. However, in the words of Usher: "situations will arise in our lives". Though I know that Usher is talking about relationships, that lyric seems to sing it's way into my head even for things that have nothing to do with relationships. The truth is... situations will and do arise in our lives... but as Usher continues to say: "you gotta be smart about it". And, so, a couple weeks ago the rug felt as though it was being snatched from underneath me (situations arising). I try not to worry about things the way I used to. I try to shove things to the back of my mind. It is not that I am not dealing with them. It is more like I realize that I have no control over certain things. I learned long ago that life is only so stable. It wasn't the easiest lesson... but a lesson I learned nonetheless. At some point, the rug snatching did prompt me to break down from stress and exhaustion. Sometimes, it is not so much what is happening around you. Sometimes, it is just the exhaustion of living life and continuously fighting different battles. Sometimes, I feel so worn out from this and that. My little crying session was actually quite cleansing and much needed. Sometimes, you just need to get it out. After that, I prayed to God the next morning... and decided that I was going to be open to whatever was going to happen in my life (I know I'm being a bit vague... it's just some stuff I don't like to talk about in this super open manner online). While the rug seems to have secured itself again... I still know that all of my trust must be in God. I have grown to a point that not much can truly destroy me. I have not been through everything that I could go through in life (and I don't want to) but I've been through enough. I have learned that rock bottom has NOTHING on the restorative power of God!!! Remember Job in the bible (not trying to push my beliefs on anyone)? Job literally lost almost EVERYTHING!!! Then... God gave it all back to him doubly. </div>
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Anyway, one day (I believe it was a Sunday) during my tedious time, I was in the shower talking to God. I told you that the bathroom is the place for revelations because of the cleanliness factor. I felt myself reverting back to my old self in the sense that I was playing connect the dots with the past. I used to be guilty of attaching unpleasant events to different circumstances from the past. I am sure you know what I am talking about. You start saying things like: "if only this would have gone differently" or "if that had not happened I'd be in a different place". I went through a period in my life where this was my conversation almost every. dang on. day. The truth is, there are things that truly do affect us in life. Nevertheless, you must give it up to God and let him heal you. For me, that is the only way to move on. I think that sometimes people don't like to acknowledge hurts that they have experienced. I was kind of like that for a while... then I went to the other end of the spectrum and became a basket case for a while. You come to a point where you must fight for your life. I think when it comes to emotional and mental matters, we tend to sweep things under the rug. It's crazy to me how I read stories where people are literally ashamed of being depressed. I understand it... but it's still crazy to me because depression is so real. I feel like we do not deal with our mental health the way we should. BUT we WILL go to the doctor if something is wrong (well some of us do... some don't) physically. People fight physical illnesses with a vengeance all the time. We take preventative measures for our physical health. Well, the mind is just as (if not more) important. Sometimes, the illness that comes to call can actually come from an unkempt mind. Anyway... I am going around the mulberry bush... where was I again... hahaha.</div>
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So... I'm going to play connect the dots with the past... when all of the sudden I stopped. I stopped and changed my conversation to something that reflected me not wanting to go back into the past anymore. I could not do it anymore. I felt like I really had to let all of it go and face life from where I was at that moment. NO more attaching the past! And something in my mind just faded to black. Like... I'm not even being dramatic... I think it was in that moment that I decided that I was closing the book on everything. I felt that closing the whole book... shutting down my whole story... was the only way to let it all die. And... honestly... I really don't dwell on certain things anymore. I think that is why having that relapse in the shower made me say that I had to be done once and for all. As the day went on, I thought about how my life really could not be a one book story. Who I am today looks nothing like who I was 10 years ago. I really feel that I am not even in the same book anymore. If you think about it, so many stories are multiple book stories about one person's or one family's life. I should know, I used to read them. Even some of my fictional work is meant to be a series of sorts. I broke my life down into where certain periods. I came up with 2 volumes... and right now I am living in Volume 3. Volume 1 is birth to December of 2005. Volume 2 is January of 2006 to April of 2017. Volume 1 is called: "The Years of Wonder". Volume 2 is called: "Into The Forest". Volume 3 is called: "Natasha Bedingfield". I honestly feel like this is the only way for me to rid myself of the past. This is my Jedi mind trick to myself. I was explaining this concept to a friend the other night. I was telling her that I will only open the past books to teach others. The past volumes of my life are reference points and nothing else. It's funny because I had that scripture that Paul talks about when he is saying something along the lines of pressing forward to the mark of the goal. Then, I was talking to a relative of mine on Easter who recited that same passage to me (without know anything that was really going on with me). No one has time to be looking back... especially not in some "woe is me" fashion. Close the book... fade to black... keep it moving to the next volume. And it is not to say that every volume will not have it's share of trouble. It's just that some things are so far removed from me (us) that I just don't see the need to keep allowing them to make a cameo. As I said, I want to use my life as a point of study and reflection for a greater good... but I am done living in those spaces. </div>
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The reason that I am calling this volume Natasha Bedingfield is because at this point, I am finally okay with my life being unwritten. I have tried it my way. Some things worked... some things did not. I see where my plans was innocently flawed in some situations. I just really am open to whatever comes. I don't know it all... at all. And honestly... I am tired of trying to do what only God himself can do... and that is lead my life. I understand that I must work with Him... I just don't really have all of these concrete plans or answers anymore. I feel like life is better that way because I can't be completely devastated when the eggs that I put in one basket gets knocked over. Life can still hold it's level of sadness... but I am just opening my heart to whatever it wants to bring. I kind of want to bask in the element of surprise. Of course, some things are permanent fixtures in my life. I will always be a writer. I will always be looking for ways to better myself. I will always stalk God. I just don't know if I believe in 5 year plans and things like that anymore. I believe in rough outlines. I think what makes me the happiest is that I am not afraid of life the way that I used to be. I am learning not to shadowbox so much. I have learned and accepted that life will be life. Unexpected. Random. Joyous. Crazy. Cohesive. Unstable. Beautiful. Sorrowful. Mundane. Colorful. Lackluster. Exciting. Raw. Sparkly. Scary. What will tomorrow bring? Well... me going back to work... hahaha. But honestly... as Natasha says: "the rest is still unwritten"... and right now... I wouldn't have it any other way. And as Jay Z would say: "Thank God for granting me this moment of clarity".</div>
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Love,</div>
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Autumn</div>
Ms. Geek Goddesshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07455681719651381159noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9093011321973853983.post-24165023265512532622017-04-09T19:44:00.000-04:002017-04-09T20:58:35.600-04:00Analyzing Autumn: Autumn The Introvert?So... sometimes...it is the most random events that wake you up to things about yourself. There is no limit to growth in this thing called life. You will never get too old to learn something new... even if it is about yourself. I feel like I have these moments pretty frequently in my life. Some people call them awakenings. Others refer to them as "aha moments". I like to go with the word epiphany. I spend a lot of time with myself so I think about myself (and my life) a lot. I find that in my 30's, I'm more obsessed with being the most beautiful person that I can be on the inside. It's not even just a thing of being a good person for others (though that is important). It's about feeling good on the inside for myself. I need to be emotionally healthy and whole. I've been broken. It sucks. I want something better for myself... so I have spent years fighting to make this happen. On top of all of that, I have always been a girl who is just very self aware. I appreciate this about myself because it is really hard for someone to sum me up and feed me lies about myself. I'm like: "how you gonna tell me about me"? Hahaha. As I've said before, I take in what people say about me and determine if I need to make a change. I'm not a person who is completely shutdown to criticism. It's just not as easy to bamboozle me with crazy opinions. The truth is, even with being self aware, brushing off malicious criticism has to become a learned behavior.<br />
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Anyway... my most recent epiphany is one that I think I kind of knew about myself... but it did not quite register to me the way it did yesterday morning. I've always had this side of myself that is shy, quiet, and a bit of a geek. I grew up in a small town. I grew up in an even smaller family. While I don't consider myself sheltered, we were a religious, church going, tight knit family. My mom and my aunt were pretty to themselves. We mingled but we didn't. I was allowed to play in my yard... but not in the street with the other kids. I grew up in what people would consider the ghetto... so I always say I grew up on the street... but not in it. I was allowed to have friends, but my interactions with them were a lot more supervised than some of my peers. Even then, I did not really fit in with my peers so much. I have always been my own special brand of person. I guess I was just this girl who was obsessed with God, the bible (from a little kid), books, writing, music, film, and... my Barbies (up to a certain point) I was a child who escaped in my imagination a lot. Actually I never really seemed to stop escaping... and I don't know if that is a good thing or a bad thing... but it is an Autumn thing. On some level, you must escape to be creative. But... I am also very much in the real world. I just have my own way of seeing life.<br />
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I've always thought that introverts were these people that really didn't talk much at all. You know the kids that stutter (not that there is anything wrong with stuttering) from nervousness. I say I'm a geek... but I always thought being a nerd was something a little bit different. I have always been really friendly (and talkative... moreso as I've gotten older) so how could I ever be an introvert? These days, I'm singing a different tune. The thing is, I am not the people person that I might come across as. I feel like when I was younger and living at home, I was way more reserved. There were things about how I was raised that I feel kind of put me on a different path from some of the people around me. I also wasn't the most accepted by my race because they felt I was "too much of a little white girl". I literally know people have disliked me solely off of my voice alone. I don't acknowledge it much, but I was also picked on and kind of bullied in a way as well. So... the non acceptance of my peers also helped to create walls within me. When I went to college, I became this person who just started trying on new personas. I was still myself, but I was also embracing being more open. People make college out to be this experience in which you should be open to making these lifelong connections. Plus, there is something to the newfound feeling of just being free from living at home. I've come to realize that I never quite parted ways with some of the personas that I tried on when I was in school. So... you know... I'm adjusting as I go along.<br />
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When I tell people that I am socially awkward and shy now, they laugh in my face... but I understand why. I feel like I am not being true to myself and I never really realized it fully until this weekend. I think somewhere along the way I got lost in trying to prove that I'm not some of the things that I feel people have thought I was. While I am a very kind, cool, and loving person... I don't think that every aspect of this open persona is me. I feel like sometimes human interactions wear me thin. I think that I've gotten caught up in this trap of trying to be on all of the time for everyone. I just can't be that person anymore. I feel like I am just a person who lives inside herself... A LOT! I kind of feel the need to start guarding myself a little bit more because I am just tired of being weary from this and that. I think for me being socially awkward means that I don't always know what I am supposed to do in a situation. I feel like maybe I put up this persona like I have it all on lock... but really I am freaking out at times. I am a person who needs time to process and compartmentalize life. I am also just on my own path. I don't know, I just feel like right now being true to me is being less open. My desire is to share myself through my art... but even that is how I see fit. I honestly feel really good about this decision. I feel like I tried life another way... and it is not completely my thing. I feel that I've learned to be a much better person through all of this... and I will take that and skip down the road. Honestly, as messed up as it sounds... to be called stuck up might almost be refreshing. And maybe next week I will change my mind... but I don't think so. I'm not totally shutting out the world? Well... no. I couldn't even if I wanted to. I'm just learning how to adjust to continually give out the best version of myself. Be true to yourselves. Honestly, sometimes we makes changes for a world that does not really do the same thing in return. I think that through trying to be true to God and myself, I will find a way to be true to everyone else. I'm not sure if any of this makes sense. It's just what's been on my mind this weekend.<br />
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Love you!<br />
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AutumnMs. Geek Goddesshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07455681719651381159noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9093011321973853983.post-85271183083493986322017-04-02T21:48:00.001-04:002017-04-02T22:02:08.669-04:00ChaseWhen I was 26, my cousin died of leukemia. He was 17 when he was diagnosed. It was pretty progressed when the doctors caught it. Even with treatments and a bone marrow transplant, we still lost him. I will never forget his laugh. He had this laugh. It's crazy when someone passes unexpectedly like that. You wish that you would have talked to them a little bit more. I come from a small family, so even distant cousins are not so distant. Chase was closer in age with my youngest brother. They started hanging out a lot as they go older, so he was always at my house. I was going to school at the time. I would come back to my hometown on the weekends... but I was always running around doing my own thing. I would see my cousin... but I just wish that I would have paid attention more. His illness and his death were the saddest thing. He was so full of life and had everything going for him. I feel like no one had anything bad to say about him. I am told that he had dreams of going to New York and pursing a life there. I will never forget the morning that I got the call that he was gone. I will never forget looking at him in a casket. I will never forget his laugh. I will never forget how I started having the thought process that I would achieve my dreams in his honor.<br />
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I thought about my cousin this morning on my drive to church (and on the way home). I was just thinking about myself and how I need to just keep posting my blogs on social media. I thought about how I don't need to be this quitter... because I'm not a quitter. I thought about how my cousin and so many other people never even get to achieve their dreams. Somewhere along the way in life, I decided that the best way to honor those situations was to live my best life. I thought about how quitting is a luxury that I can't afford. If you think about it, quitting really can be a luxury in the moment. It gets you off the hook and allows you to not be accountable. I honestly really don't know how to quit. I know how to pause. I know how to have a moment. I don't know how to quit. I don't really want to make this a big deal. I just feel like I need to see my ideas through. For some reason, I have this desire to put my thoughts out there. So... I should just follow through with that. I was also thinking about the concept of serving earlier. You cannot serve others and be so caught up in yourself. Sometimes, I think I take myself way too seriously. So... I am going to try to stop. And that's all I have to say. :)<br />
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Love,<br />
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AutumnMs. Geek Goddesshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07455681719651381159noreply@blogger.com2